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Levels of Hell Left Out of The Inferno

10) Once you escape Satan’s icy prison, everything is
room temperature, no matter what you do. Fire doesn’t
burn, fans don’t cool, and the coffee is undrinkable.

11) Reserved for followers of religions not yet invented in
Dante’s time. Sinners are trapped in the audience of a
never-ending debate between Martin Luther, Joseph
Smith, and L. Ron Hubbard. God deems further
punishment excessive.

12) Wall-to-wall mimes.

13) Everyone speaks a language you can’t understand,
sneers at you when you try to communicate through
hand gestures, and spits in your food. Some religious
scholars argue that this level is actually just Paris,
France, but no consensus yet exists.

14) Reserved for condom users. They are haunted by the
tiny, wiggling soul of each sperm they murdered.

15) Upon touching down on this level, you slip on a
banana peel and fall down an escalator covered in
lard. Forever.

16) There is no 16th level of Hell. Instead, you are
born with no memory of your past lives into a small
Brazilian tribe with no knowledge of Christianity.
Satan expects you back in 25 years or so.

17) Beware! The floor is covered with spikes! (God ran
out of ideas.)

—A. Gertler


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