In a move that met with mixed reactions and anxious glances from shareholders, Apple confirmed yesterday that it has now hired at least one “Village Idiot” to work at the help desk, or “Genius Bar,” in each of its retail stores.

“We find that Geniuses, while quite knowledgeable about Apple products, make customers feel subpar, even incompetent,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook in a September press conference, when the program was first announced. “To counteract that, we’re bringing in total morons to jack up the self-esteem of our customers. Apple buyers are so oblivious that they won’t even know it’s a ploy! Take that last sentence off the record, okay?”

Cook explained that Idiots encourage consumer confidence by asking shoppers basic questions about technology and “where the toilet closet is,” while spending their breaks searching for the “on” and “off” switches of various Apple products.

The Idiots also keep displays of intelligence from the Geniuses in check. “As a matter of company policy,” Cook explained, “any Genius who uses a word with more than three syllables is tickled into submission by his Idiot supervisor.”

“I wasn’t sure if the iPhone was right for me; the Geniuses kept trying to explain how it worked, and I felt really overwhelmed,” explained Sarah Brown, a first-time Apple shopper with a slightly below-average IQ. “But then another employee came up to me with a jelly stain on his button-down—which was backwards. He started asking me if I’d seen the new iPad, but then began wobbling around like his shoelaces were tied together— which they were. Then he tripped and cracked an iPad screen with his face. The last thing he said before passing out was, ‘Are you gonna finish that?’ If that dipshit can work at an Apple store, then I can totally use an iPhone! I bought three.”

In the last week, however, the program has come under scrutiny following several ominous incidents. In a Pasadena store, an Idiot was arrested on charges of manslaughter after trying to “charge” a sleeping baby with a MacBook cord. In Tacoma, another Idiot was caught using a display phone to send pictures of his genitalia to a contact labeled “SEEREE.” In a Madison store, two Idiots actually died following a competition to see how many iPod Minis they could swallow; the answer was zero. And in Washington, D.C., three Idiots hatched a plot to take over the local store, only to have their plans foiled when a Genius spy infiltrated their circle and persuaded them to switch the OS on their MacBooks to Windows 8.

The Village Idiots reportedly tried to unionize a few days ago, but were convinced to accept lower wages by their “leader”—Tim Cook, wearing a fake mustache.

—Z. Schloss