Dear Teletubbies, You are so fucking hot. It’s totally normal for me to think we should have sex. —Severus Snape…
Dear Neil Armstrong, Can we please not play golf when we get to the moon? I just feel like there are more important uses of our time, like maybe science.…
Dear old men in locker rooms, I know towels are optional, but they are also recommended. For the love of God, grab a fucking towel. —Sauna bench __________ Dear old…
Dear Frank, Aww, fuck…Jesus, this is nasty… ewww, God…eww, eww, eww, eww… ok…ew, Jesus…fuck, fuck, eww, shit… —Dr. Edward Boue, world-class thoracic surgeon performing Frank’s appendectomy…
Dear Google, Why don’t I get a doodle for my birthday? —Adolf Hitler…
Dear communists, You un-American sons of bitches are ruining this great country. Why don’t you just move to Russia, fuckers? —Socialists…
Dear Mother Teresa, God. Listen to me, bitch, I need my fucking money. I mean, Jesus, all that heroin. All those hookers. You better pay me, you better pay me,…
Dear top hat, Isn’t your name a little redundant? You’re so weird! —Toe socks…
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