Dear Toronto Raptors, We take offense at the racist caricature masquerading as your mascot. No, not all raptors “play basketball.” Would you use a picture of a raptor “eating watermelon”…
Dear Logitech Incorporated, Recently, I purchased one of your Accessâ„¢ keyboards. I have searched through the entire warranty but was unable to find the phrase “jizzed all over.” Am I…
Dear Department of Orphanology, As requested, I have compiled a list of things that orphans can’t do: 1. Fly. 2. Have parents. Sincerely, James Booth, Research Asst.…
Dear Santa..! Christ-mas drips .plip.plop.plip. Flying into a dream/backwardz Where? I would like a train. —The Edgemont High School Literary Magazine…
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest says, “Let’s toast to our shared love of justice.†And the rabbi says, “Ok. 
Dear Hun-Hun, Last night I took Ling-Ling out for a bamboo dinner and tired to impregnate her again, but to no avail. I begin to fear we’ll go extinct before…
Dear Yale Record, C’mon, guys. This isn’t funny anymore. Where’d you hide my kidneys? —Some Whiny Dork…
Dear College Freshman, Thank you for pointing out the numerous errors in my work. I guess I had not thought things through. —Nietzsche…
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