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Dear HBO,…
Dear HBO, I have an awesome idea for a show. It’s about lunatics who do awful things and don’t realize they’re awful. Many of them are sociopathic; many of them are just deranged. We’ll call it, Mad Men. Then, it will all have been a dream. —M. Night Shyamalan
Dear tiny people from the ATM,…
Dear tiny people from the ATM, Do you sleep on beds of dollar bills? With dollar bills for bedsheets? I will trade you dollar-sized pieces of cloth for dollars, if you want, because I care about your comfort. —Someone with nothing better to do
To whom it may concern,…
To whom it may concern, OMG I’m like so fat, hahahaha. I mean, look at me. I’m like…too tall, overweight, like literally a hilarious ball of fatness. Haha. Hahahaha. What a rich topic for comedic witticisms and facetious commentary, am I right? —Chris Christie, staring at himself in a mirror
Dear pornography,…
Dear pornography, Thank you. Oh god, after a rough day, you’re just…thank you. —Joe Biden
Dear Mother Jones,…
Dear Mother Jones, You guys are a good magazine, but you could really reach a younger market if we teamed up. I’m just saying, Mother Jonas — think about it. Unemployedly, —Joe Jonas
Dear Katy Perry,…
Dear Katy Perry, How did you do it? No matter how hard I try, it seems I can never get a full tiger pelt, let alone its eye. But apparently you’ve got the eye of the tiger, even when you’re dancing through fire. Gosh, you’re really a champion. I’ve tried all sorts of methods: drowning […]
Dear Teletubbies,…
Dear Teletubbies, You are so fucking hot. It’s totally normal for me to think we should have sex. —Severus Snape
Dear Neil Armstrong,…
Dear Neil Armstrong, Can we please not play golf when we get to the moon? I just feel like there are more important uses of our time, like maybe science. We can go play putt-putt when we get back to Cincinnati. Sincerely, Buzz Aldrin __________ Dear Buzz Aldrin, HAHAHA FIRST!!!! Also, don’t worry: I brought […]
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Sex Before the Internet #8
When small talk won’t work.
Who’s Who #14: Bill Murray
A Cinderella story.
Sound Advice
I bet she throws like a girl.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Disregard the ad; I’ll hump anything that moves.
Girl Power #3
And to think she’s doing it backwards in heels.
Sex Before the Internet #7
10 bucks says that guy has some performance anxiety tonight. Any takers?
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