Dear Apple,…

Dear Apple,

I send this email because I hear there’s a security bug affecting Mac users. Is this true? What can I do to stay safe?

—Parnelia Langdon

__________

Dear Parnelia,

You will only be safe if you forward you’re credit card information to robert431@gmail.com, an experienced Nigerian businessman who will ensure you’re financial security. Also, check out the attached links to learn the one simple trick that local single moms use to make $12 an hour from home!

—Appel Tech Suport Sqaud

__________

Dear spurious Apple Tech Support,

Recently we learned that you’ve been trying to steal the identities of our loyal Apple customers. But guess what? It’s never going to work! We already stole their identities when they signed the 1400-page iTunes Terms and Conditions, giving us full use of their bank accounts, firstborn children, and kidneys. There’s nothing left for you to steal!

—The real Apple Tech Support
P.S. We do have a lot of kidneys at the
moment, so if you want a few of those
we could probably work something
out.