Dear Jacob…

Dear Jacob,

I’m just writing you regarding…hey wait a minute…what was that? Oh my God, there’s a masked intruder in my house! He’s right behind me! Oh God, now he’s stabbing me in the back! He’s doing it again, oh the pain! It’s horrendous! I can feel my lifeblood seeping from my wounds, yet I’m too paralyzed with fear and agony to do anything about it! Wait, why am I writing this down? Oh God! Now he’s pouring vinegar into my knife wounds… Hah, that guy just died. I’m really the masked intruder. I’ve been writing since the part when the stabbing started, and you morons didn’t even realize it. Score one for the masked intruder. Actually, make it two.

—The Masked Intruder Right Behind You