Diary of a Very Sheltered International Student

Day 11: America is just so great! Today, my roommate took me out for a fine American dining experience at the Gourmet Heaven. At first I thought Americans had very strange ideas about what “gourmet” and “heaven” meant, but after my first bite of a “bacon, egg, and cheese,” I have changed my mind! It gets better, too! Tonight, my roommate will be taking me to a “frap party.” He thinks it’s my first time, but I snuck over to the local Starbucks to try one of these “fraps.” It was so delicious! I cannot wait for tonight!

Day 12: I had a wonderful time last night at the frap party, but I cannot figure out why they would mislead me into thinking I would be able to find a frappuccino in there. Americans are so silly sometimes! Anyway, I had a blast! At first I was a bit uncomfortable with how the girls at the frap house were dancing, but my roommate told me this “grinding” was an American dance performed in such settings, and encouraged me to participate. I was excited to learn more about this traditional American cultural dance for myself, so I approached a beautiful American girl, bowed low to indicate my intentions, and began “grinding” with her. She then poured the contents of her drink on my head! This confused me at first, but when I told her she had gotten me very wet, she just laughed and
returned to her friends. Earlier, my roommate told me the key to getting girls in America is to make them laugh, so it looks like I’m going to be a big hit here!

Day 22: A few times so far, my roommate has put a tie on the door and asked me to sleep outside so he can “entertain” his girlfriend. I can only assume he is either a magician or a clown, for I cannot think of any other entertainers capable of evoking such varied sounds from their audience. Last night, I asked if I could watch him entertain his girlfriend, and he seemed strangely offended! I assume he was just being modest, so I plan to sneak in and catch a glimpse of the show for myself next time.

Day 53: After several weeks of intensive therapy and counseling, my roommate and I are finally able to look each other in the eyes again. I now know far more about American culture than I ever wished, and frankly, I am appalled. I no longer wish to socialize, or  even attempt to integrate, and will henceforth commit myself to my studies alone! This will be my last diary entry at Yale, as I will be packing my bags tonight and transferring to a more temperate university, one where an ideal Friday evening is spent alone, in the dark corners of a library, and not engaged in such filth as my roommate calls “entertainment!” Yes, diary, I am quite excited to be transferring to this “Harvard!”

—V. Hall

If you liked this piece, check out the rest of the International Issue here!