DIY Dorm Room Decorating

This piece originally appeared in the DIY Issue. Read it here now!

We all know the old adage: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But how else can you decide whether it’s worth sleeping with? Face it: appearance matters. Sure, you could shower, brush your hair, and dress nicely. But everyone is already doing that these days. Instead, make a unique statement about your personality by sprucing up your dorm.

“But,” you ask, “shouldn’t I call in an expert to help me with my interior decorating?” “No,” I answer wisely. “Decorating your dorm room yourself is as easy as a chubby, drunk Qpac girl with self-esteem issues!” But to help you out, here are some do-it-yourself tips on how to decorate a happenin’ dorm room where chubby, drunk Qpac girls may even want to spend the night!

1) If you’re in a double with bunk beds, debunk immediately. Bunk beds will do nothing but harm a roomie relationship. Sure, your roommate will smile and tell you that he totally thinks you deserve the bottom bunk for getting there first from your house a mile away in New Haven. He’ll even joke about how he loves climbing over you and your drunk Qpac companions every Saturday night on his way to bed— but he’s faking it. His anger will simmer all semester until, one night, he’ll vomit on you from above. He’ll claim he doesn’t remember it, but then you’ll recall that he doesn’t even drink.

2) Go to Cutler’s on Broadway to buy retro and/or indie posters. These decorations will define your new image. You like U2? So does my mother. Your posters need to show off how “cool” and “interesting” you are. Ever heard of the band “The Black Rabbits”? Me either. Doesn’t mean I can’t have their album cover hanging above my bed. However, if you happen upon a hipster who tries to make conversation about your posters, just smile, nod, and compliment her bangs. If that doesn’t work, affect disinterest. They love that shit.

3) Make a trinket run to Salvation Army. If your dorm is going to be your home for the next year, make it feel like home. And what’s a better way to do that than to fill it with things that used to be in other people’s homes?

4) Buy alcohol. “But I don’t even drink!” you protest naively. Don’t worry, you’ll start. And until then, it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing more “college” than having some empty Natty Lights scattered around your room. Remember to strategically place these cans in places visitors will see them (like in front of the TV), because your friends really care about how much you drink. It makes them like you more!

If you follow these four easy steps, your room will turn you into the most well-liked and sexually active person in your college! At least until people read past the front cover of your book and get to know “the real you.” Then you’re just fucked.

– Z. Schloss