Florida Goes Blood-Red

Tuesday, November 6th, 2012

8:47 PM

ORLANDO – With a mere 20,000-vote margin of  victory, Mitt Romney has taken Florida and will receive the state’s 27 electoral votes, despite most forecasters predicting a Democratic majority this year. This loss is a huge blow to the Obama campaign, whose re-election chances are significantly reduced without the crucial swing state.

Many political commentators are attributing the victory to the unprecedented number of undead turning out to vote this year. Lori Pursel, a voting center coordinator, said, “The voter rolls haven’t been purged in a couple years, so we expect there to be over 200,000 deceased individuals currently registered in Florida. And here they are. Hungry to vote.”

“We’ve never seen them in such large numbers before,” says Zadie Jones, a Jacksonville grandmother who spent the day volunteering at the polls. “The stench in the auditorium is almost unbearable. But we have to push through and accommodate everyone. If they’re on the rolls, they get a booth.” However, not all of the undead were allowed to vote. “Some of them…don’t match their ID photos,” said Jones. “The ones with patchy skin, or no eyes, I could see the resemblance, so that was fine. But the ones withoutany skin – you know, the older ones – I couldn’t confirm their identity. I had to turn them away, and they got visibly upset.”

Witnesses report that zombies have attacked officials who tried to turn them away, scratching and biting in an attempt to reach the voting booth. Victims of these attacks have been quarantined, their symptoms including a high fever, lapses of consciousness, and fervent, vocal support for corporate tax cuts.

According to exit polls, the undead have voted overwhelmingly Republican. “Voting red could be a result of zombies’ natural desire for blood,” says sociologist Emma Harris. “It could also be a vestige of their past lives. I mean, this is Florida: heaven’s waiting room. Most people who die here are old white folks, who trend Republican.”

Earl Gerth, a pastor from Tampa, disagrees. “It’s all these homosexuals and atheists, and…and working mothers,” Gerth claims. “God ain’t happy with America; this is a cleansing. Those socialists are getting zombified so they can pay for their sins by voting for Romney. And the rest of you liberals, just you wait… You’ll die and vote Republican, too. Just like the rest of them.”

“We appreciate the unexpected and persistent support from our undead friends,” the Romney campaign said in a press release shortly after discovering its new supporters. Romney then announced his support for movements around the country to repeal strict voter identification laws, which he said “are a cruel way to disenfranchise Americans, dead and alive.”

The Obama campaign has begun questioning the legality of zombie voting rights, on the grounds that they are technically brain-dead and therefore not of complete personhood. “Some of them are missing complete arms, legs, or even their torsos. This makes a mockery of democracy,” said an Obama staffer who preferred to remain anonymous, and who later clarified that they meant no disrespect to the paraplegic community.

UPDATE: It has been confirmed from blood samples of victims and undead that the virus causing this phenomenon matches the DNA of Clint Eastwood, known more for his film career and libertarian activism than his side interest in necromancy.

“Anything to not have Obama,” Eastwood said, when asked to comment. “Anything.”

—A. Calder