Honest Breakup Lines

“I never want to see you again, although I will stalk you obsessively on Facebook and compare your life to mine.”
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lazy and less hot. We’re over.”
“I’m black and you’re in the KKK, so…”
“I think we should start seeing other people. I’ve already gotten a head start!”
“I’m just not ready for the commitment… with you that is.”
“It’s not you; it’s my husband.”
“It’s not you, it’s U2. I’ve been out working pro bono if you know what I mean.”
“Momma always said, ‘listen to your heart,’ and with you my heart is saying luh-dub, luh-dub, luh-dub… I don’t know what that means, but it sounds kind of boring. Like you in bed.”
“Tú no hablas español”
“Every day you look more and more like Precious played by Gabourey Sidibe in the 2009 Oscar nominated film Precious Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire, directed by Lee Daniels.”
“I really didn’t even know you thought we were dating. Yeah… sorry.”
–D. Hoogstraten