How To Seduce a Scientist

Buy a gym membership to keep your body in fine mating shape, which scientists will appreciate.

Use concealer to hide facial blemishes, which could signal the onset of disease in the eyes of a careful scientist.

Obtain plastic surgery to make your face more symmetrical. Scientists are attracted to the mathematical properties of symmetry.

Buy expensive drinks for the scientist, demonstrating your accumulation of excess resources and ability to provide for future offspring.

Speak clearly and look the scientist in the eyes: they will recognize these behaviors as indicative of high status within your social group. If other people interfere with your conversation, bite them until they indicate acceptance of your alpha position in the hierarchy.

Use subconscious behavioral cues to prime the scientist to the idea of reproductive coitus. These could include playing the violin, baking brownies, and exposing your genitalia.

When the scientist becomes pregnant, skip town and change your cell phone number—after all, it’s your genetic imperative to spread your DNA to the offspring of many different scientists.

If forced to settle down with your scientist, study the liberal arts: interdisciplinary children are the cutest, which means they’ll get to have more sex.

—A. Gertler