1. Dress the part. For gentlemen, this means a top hat, tails (the bit that sticks out the back of your jacket, for those new to gala-crashing), a solid gold pocket watch, and a wad of bills conspicuously stuffed in your coat pocket (Franklin on top, lots of Washington underneath). Tap shoes are optional, but encouraged. Ladies should wear a mink stole over a floor-length evening gown with a diamond surface density of approximately four carats per square inch. This is known as the Windsor Density, and it provides enough glitter to mark you as a gala- worthy guest, while remaining light enough that you can physically carry your dress.

2. Prepare a fake identity. Odds are, your actual name is not fancy enough for you to avoid suspicion at the door. If you worry that you will not remember the new name, try spicing up your current one—James Stevens, for example, could become Sir Dr. James van Stevensford IV, MBE, Ph.D. If anyone questions this identity, threaten to have them “sacked” or “ruined.”

3. Study gala rules and customs. It is customary to quiz gala attendees about the minutiae of etiquette to weed out potential gala-crashers. You are already ahead of the game here by knowing about the Windsor Density.

4. Practice facial expressions in the mirror. In order of importance: Haughty Disdain, Smug Self- Congratulation, and General Snootiness. Honorable mentions go to Judgmental Once-Over and Casual Superiority. Winking is a must if you hope to be life of the party. But be careful! At no time during the evening must you appear Impressed, Shocked, or otherwise Interested in Your Surroundings.

5. Learn to lose money with a smile. If anyone sees you express regret at a loss of less than $5 million, they will know that you do not belong at the gala. The learning process might involve: betting on horses, greyhounds, or cockfighting; blindfold no-limit Texas Hold ‘Em blindfolded; and tossing paper airplanes folded from increasingly hefty sums of paper money over Niagara Falls. The latter is a tradition amongst wealthy families of New England and will give you something to discuss with other guests.