Internal Monologue of a Baby Being Kissed

Gosh, what a beautiful day. I’m really living like a prince. Woke up, got my bubble bath on, breastfed like a champ, and now I’m off to run errands with Mommy. Where are we heading today? Bed, Bath  & Beyond? Toys-Я-Us? Gotta love Mommy—always full of surprises! Oh cool, we’re here already. What is this place? Look at all the people! Hey, who’s that guy giving the speech? Haven’t I seen him on TV before? Yeah, that is him—he’s on the news all the time. Small world.

Is the speech done already? That was fast. Yo, Mommy, where’s the nearest changing station? That Gerber is not sitting well. Hey, look, that man from the TV is walking right toward us. Wow, look at all those cameras. I like his smile. Is he smiling at me? Aw, shucks…don’t make me blush. No, seriously, stop. It’s embarrassing. Hey—why  are you staring at me? Look man, I don’t know what your deal is. Don’t get any closer! Hey, I’m not messing around. Mommy, why aren’t you doing anything? Why are you just smiling back? Why is everyone smiling??

He’s here! What does he want from me?! Mommy, give him your wallet! Pepper spray him! Do something! I can smell his cheap cologne. Hey cameraman, what do you think you’re doing?! Photographing this monstrosity? This abuse of my personal space? Don’t put this shit on Instagram, you hippy bastard—I have a reputation to maintain! Good God, someone help! His five o’clock shadow is piercing my tender flesh! MOM, FOR THE LOVE OF ELMO, DO SOMETHING!!! You’d best be careful next time you breastfeed me, woman. Teething does not put me in a forgiving mood!

His lips—they’re touching down! Oh, the moisture! My stomach—it feels funny…that Gerber is really not sitti—BLAAAAAHHAHAHHAKKKAKKAKKKK

…

Sir, you might want to change that shirt.

-Z. Schloss