To bid or not to bid: that is the question. Dare I click it? Dare I let it slip into the hands of some stranger? I mean, how much do I really even need this box of tissues? There is a CVS right across the street…

Sniffffffff.

Well, that’s gotta be a sign.

[Click.]

Good, now I’m all set. I just need to refresh the page and make sure nobody else tries to buy it. Who would even think about going online to buy tiss—What? Who the hell is snifflemonger123? Why is he bidding on my tissue box? Nice try, bud.

[Click.]

Phew, that was close—only 70 seconds left. Those tissues are aaall mine. People are going to want to get sick just to be able to use my tissues! What the—he bid again! Dude, you don’t understand, I need these tissues. My nose is running, God damn it! [Click]. Ok, just 50 more seconds!

Oh wait, I have a box of tissues right here. Guess I don’t really need this—what? Another bidder? Fuck off, wheezingwilly! Thirty bucks? Who do these people think they are? Do they not see that I AM ILL!? This just got personal. I must beat wheezingwilly. I will not let him get those—hold on, what am I buying again? Oh right, tissues…THEY’RE ALL MINE WHEEZY! Just a few more seconds! How much money do I have in my pocket? Is that lint or a fifty? No time to check!

[Click.]

Don’t click it! Wheezy…Sniffles…don’t you dare! Don’t even think about—sniffffff—clicking, you sons of —achoooo—bitches!

Another bid?! [Click.] These tissues are mine you sly basta—WHAT?! My computer…frozen…error report… this can’t be happening! Mr. Jobs, you’ve done me in again—I lost the auction! This can’t be…oh no, the tears are coming. If only I had some…tissues! Stupid, good-for- nothing compu—what’s that? Related searches? Nasal Spray? Try to beat me again, snifflemonger. I dare you.

[Click.]

—B. Marvin