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by the Record staff

Dear Yale Record,
Don't tell me what happens until the end.
– Achilles
Book I of the Iliad

Dear Achilles,
It's better to know the truth. Trust me – my kids are inbred.
– An Enlightened Oedipus

Dear Yale Record,
I have been wedged between my bed and my desk since Saturday night. I never should have tried to plug in my printer. Can you send help?
– Lanman-Wright D41

Dear Jeeves,
It seems that upon waking this morning I found myself fatally stabbed in my bed. While I do recall asking you to bring me my usual breakfast of tea and crumpets, I do not recall asking for this rather brutal murder. I expect a full explanation or you will have to seek employment elsewhere.
– H.J. Worthington VI, deceased

Dear Yale Record,
It turns out that running 10,000 amps through your head does not cure hiccups. Thanks for nothing, assholes.
– An Irate Reader

Dear Tony the Tiger,
You really think we're "Grrrr-eat?" You're not just saying that?
– Frosted Flakes

Dear Yale Record,
You rank as one of the English language's great literary masterpieces, and deserve to be taught as part of the canon. In fact, from now on we will include the Record in our curriculum. Keep up the good work!
– The Yale University English Department

Dear Yale Record,
We strenuously object to your unauthorized impersonation of us, and demand that you cease and desist all such action. Also, you needn't describe a literary masterpiece as "great." If it is a masterpiece, it is obviously great. Duh.
– The Actual Yale English Department

Dear Yale Record,
Just fooling. You're the greatest.
– The Actual Yale English Department

Dear Yale Record,
No we're not. And you're not. Now cut it out.
– The Real Actual Yale English Department, not the Fake Actual English Department (also known as The Yale Record)

Dear Yale Record,
So you think you won't miss me when I'm gone? Go ahead, dare me to pull the trigger and spray my brains all over this wall. Then see if you like it when an object at rest or moving at a constant speed doesn't remain in that state. See if you like it when your dinner table shoots across the room or when books fall off the shelf and crush you. Go ahead. Dare me.
– Newton's First Law of Motion

Dear Yale Record,
Why on earth don't you make fun of my name more often? It's freakin' hilarious!
– Dick Brodhead, Dean of Yale College

Dear Yale Record,
Just in case you were wondering, it was I who made the ceiling fan at Naples look like a swirling vortex of death.
– Your Sixth Bong Hit

Dear Stoner,
Let's get this straight. I farmed hemp as an effective economical substitute for the Caribbean jute plant which was scarce in the colonies because of British import tariffs; I did not "grow pot." But what would you know about that? I founded a country and you can't even get off your ass and get a real job.
– George "Reefer" Washington

Dear Yale Record,
This letter will boldly go where no Star Trek reference has gone before.
– Jim Klingon

Dear Bob Marley,
Let's get some things straight. You didn't "shoot" the sheriff, you barely winged him, which I might add is fairly pathetic for being five yards away with a shotgun. And also, it hardly counts as self defense when he has both hands tied behind his back and a blindfold over his eyes.
– The Eternal Voice of Reason

P.S. Because of financial constraints, the town sheriff also serves as the deputy, rendering your third claim not simply untrue, but logically preposterous.

This page was last updated October 23 2010!

Disclaimer: This magazine is published by Yale College students and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.