The Yale Record | The Magazine | The Conspiracy Issue

The Psychology Issue

Delivered free for Yalies
$40/year by mail

Support the Record at no cost to you!

Be a part of the Yale Record's continued financial solvency!

Advertise with the Yale Record!

Promotional Products

Find great iPod battery kits, or initiate an iPod touch repair, an iPod screen repair, or any other iPod repair service that you may require.

Promotional Pens Promotional Tote Bags Custom Coffee Mugs Promotional Products

Yale University Record readers traveling to Michigan may want to talk with a Detroit Personal Injury Lawyer to learn about how the legal system works in Michigan and in Connecticut.

Thinking about getting moving pods or one way truck rental? Let us do the work - get a moving quote for cheap movers in your area!

Yale University students place their hard earned wages in a Checking Account to ensure that their money is safe and generates interest while they enjoy their four years at Yale University.

Discount Promotional Items for all Students, show your school spirit and get a Yale Promotional Pen today.

Excellent source of hospital related information, find general information about hospitals here.

Great website to find chess games, play chess here for free.

Custom Caps
Custom Hats
Custom Plastic Bags
Non Woven Bags

Great site for cheap funny t shirts
Find and buy the prefect funny sayings t shirts for men and women.
With hilarious geek t shirts and cool t shirt designs available for Yale students.

Add a touch of Zen to your home with kitchen cabinets, TV stands, coffee tables and dining tables from Greentea Design.

Carb blockers
fat loss pill

dvd & blu ray players

The Conspiracy Issue

how to hide things from roommates

Lauren Simpson

So you’ve got a roommate now.

This could be a great thing. Just what you’ve always wanted: someone to share your life with who repeatedly steals your belongings and neurotically pries into your personal life. Wait a tick. That isn’t what you’ve always wanted. Shit. Why do bad things happen to good people? Or even mediocre people? All right, all right, marginally sub-par people. But why?

Who knows? The only thing to do is to systematically hide everything you cherish from the sticky fingers and prying eyes of your unwanted bunk-bedfellow. Here then, Gentle Reader, are a few ways to keep your roommate out of your stash, out of your life, and out of your way.

Food:
• Open your Yale-issue mattress with a knife. Remove the stuffing and fill the hole with pre-microwaved, ready-to-eat Easy-Mac. It can’t be any worse than what you’re sleeping on right now.
• Construct a nightstand using bricks of Ramen. Cover it with a tablecloth and borrow pasta as needed. Voila: dorm décor that’s both functional and MSG-free.
• Purchase opaque Tupperware container. Fill with food. Label it “Lab Specimens.” Frequently mention your E. coli research at the med school.

Alcohol:
• Dump your mouthwash down the drain and refill the bottle with your beverage of choice. (If said beverage of choice is, in fact, mouthwash, skip this step.) One caveat: purchase the correct flavors to complement your bar—blue Curacao in a Natural Citrus Listerine bottle might raise eyebrows.
• Buy a large vase, a bag of lemons, a bouquet of flowers, and a liter of Dubra. Fill the bottom of the vase with lemons, arrange the flowers artistically, and fill ’er up. The taste of decaying plant matter may have a negative effect on the Dubra, but the lemons should help.
• If that doesn’t work, pour the alcohol into the aforementioned Tupperware. If asked why your microscopic bacteria sample is making a splashing noise, explain that you’ve got a lot of bacteria. Then make an “a lot of bacteria” face.

Secret Society:
• Join a “study group” on Thursday nights. Complain that “orgo” is ruining your life. Also complain that your professor makes you wear a cape and mask while you study. Damn orgo.
• Explain to your roommate that, spurred into action by the recent rash of muggings, you have decided to fight late night crime...as the heroic Trick-Or-Treater-Man/Woman! With your amazing powers of wearing a cape and mask, midnight prowlers will be trembling in their boots!
• All else failing, sedate your roommate. Get him drunk with the Dubra in the flower vase. You know you weren’t going to drink it, anyway. For a little entertainment, engage him in a one-man round of “Edward Flower-Vase-Filled-With-Dubra Hands.” When he passes out, steal his things.

Drug ring:
• Store your coke in a Tide box. Deal from the laundry room. Do laundry on a daily basis.
• Explain that your hydroponic garden is part of the Yale Sustainable Food Project. Wonder out loud why it never seems to bear fruit.
• If he figures it out, cut him in. If he tries to get a bigger cut . . . well, you know where he sleeps. Remind him of this. Introduce him to your friend ‘Bubba,’ the one who moonlights as a Toad’s bouncer. Since horses are difficult to come by, leave a symbolic dead squirrel head under his sheets.

Internet pornography:
• Use cluster computers. Claim it’s for an East Asian Studies class.
• Use your roommate’s computer. Feign ignorance when confronted. Promise to pray for his filthy addiction.
• Rename the porn folder on your own computer ‘Pictures from Grandma’s Birthday.’ Refuse to explain why it’s password- protected.

Obsession with a celebrity:
• Store your homemade shrine under the bed. Buy a bedskirt.
• Put the poster inside your closet. When your roommate asks why you keep shouting, “Damn, you look so hot!” blame your latent narcissistic tendencies.
• When your roommate innocently inquires why you dress like Julia Child every day, explain that that’s how you identify yourself, and that if he can’t accept it, he’s a bigot. Distribute pamphlets and march on Washington. Try to get the Women’s Center, GESO, and SODA involved.

Significant Other:
• Pin up pictures of random people around the room. Claim to have an obsession with the human form. Concentrate pictures of your Significant Other around the ones of your simian Uncle Ralph for artistic contrast.
• Tell your friends to call you ‘Snookums’ and ‘Big Slugger.’
• If the noises coming from your mattress keep your roommate awake, blame it on the Easy-Mac stored inside. Refuse to explain how it got there in the first place, but at least offer to share.

This page was last updated October 23 2010!

Disclaimer: This magazine is published by Yale College students and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.