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The Conspiracy Issue

urban legends, debunked

Eric March

Legend: In his third week of college, a Yale freshman receives a letter from his high school sweetheart. Curious, he tears open the envelope and finds pictures of his girlfriend giving another man a blowjob. A note attached reads, "Dear Nathan, enjoy the photos. We’re over." Dejected, but ever resourceful, the Yalie stuffs the pictures into another envelope addressed to the girl’s father with a note attached that reads, "Dear Daddy, having a great time at college. Please send money."

Reality: In his third week of college, a Yale freshman receives a letter from his high school sweetheart. Curious, he tears open the envelope and finds pictures of his girlfriend giving another man a blowjob. Dejected, but ever resourceful, he cries. Cries and cries and cries and cries. Later, he cries more. Embarrassed by his incessant carrying on, the university revokes his meal privileges. On his way back from Shaw’s one evening, he gets hit in the head with a brick by a 12-year-old on a bicycle.

Legend: A class of Yale Divinity School students is seated, eagerly awaiting their final exam, when an administrative assistant informs them that the test has been moved to the auditorium in SSS. On their way down Prospect Street they encounter a beggar politely asking for change but, anxious to get to their exam, they brush him aside. Upon arriving at SSS, they are greeted at the podium by the beggar who reveals himself to be their professor and fails the entire class for not learning the number one lesson of divinity: compassion.

Reality: A class of Yale Divinity School students is seated, eagerly awaiting their final exam, when they are informed that the test has been moved to the auditorium in SSS. On their way down Prospect Street the students encounter a beggar politely asking for change. One student wrestles him to the pavement, while another kicks him repeatedly in the solar plexus. A third steals his shopping cart and the assailants ride the rest of the way down the hill to their test. They are greeted in the auditorium by their professor, who smiles and tells them that they have just learned an important lesson about natural selection. The rest of the students fail, but at least they aren’t in divinity school any longer, so the whole thing is kind of a wash.

Legend: A DKE brother, frustrated by his inability to win his econ professor’s favor, decides to copy and turn in a term paper from the fraternity’s "archives." The paper is returned to him two weeks later with a grade of A and the professor’s comment, "When I wrote this paper as a freshman, it only got a C, and I always thought it deserved more."

Reality: A DKE brother, frustrated by his inability to win his Econ professor’s favor, decides to copy and turn in a term paper from the fraternity’s "archives." The paper is returned to him two weeks later with a grade of A- and the professor’s comment, "When I wrote this paper as a freshman, it only got a C. Nevertheless, your father and I were squash partners at Choate and I am compelled to continue to honor the system of patronage that got you here in the first place. Don’t be disappointed by the minus: that’ll make it seem believable." Later that week, the professor and the student meet to smoke money and laugh about Democrats.

Legend: In a Biology of Gender and Sexuality section, a TA explains that semen is 80% sugar. Perplexed, a female student raises her hand and asks, "then how come it tastes so salty?" The entire class begins to laugh and the student, realizing her mistake, turns beet red and bolts out of the classroom.

Reality: In a Biology of Gender and Sexuality section, a TA explains that semen is 80% sugar. Perplexed, a female student raises her hand and asks, "then how come it tastes so salty?" The TA responds, "because I am grossly hypertensive." The student earns the only A in the class. Some weeks later, on her way back from GPSCY one night, she gets hit in the head with a brick by a 12-year-old on a bicycle.

This page was last updated October 23 2010!

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