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The Deep Number Issue

Deep, Dark Family Secrets

by David Fabricant '04

Isn't it fun to look at family photographs? You can try to guess what your family members were thinking about when this photo was taken – grandpa might have been daydreaming about his heroic fighting days, for example, and your father was likely preoccupied with his work. But do you really know your family as well as you think you do?

1. Your mother...
...eats almost fifty sticks of celery per day.
...plays a homemade cassette of the sound of celery crunching while she's in the car.
...named a celery stalk "Horace" and kept it in her handbag until it turned brown.
...spends hours imagining elaborate fantasy lives for celery stalks.
...imagines that she can hear celery stalks talking to her when she holds them up to her ear.
...snorts dried, ground celery like cocaine.
...purees hundreds of celery stalks every Saturday so she can take celery bath.
...wants to quit her job in order to operate a large celery plantation.

2. Your father...
...secretly enjoys the music of teen singing sensation Mandy Moore.
...once waited in line for five hours to get Mandy Moore's autograph.
...has attended seventeen of Mandy Moore's concerts and mall appearances.
...calls in sick to work whenever one of Mandy Moore's videos is on "Total Request Live."
...took your photograph off his desk at work and replaced it with one of Mandy Moore.
...commissioned Maya Lin to create a simple yet deeply moving public monument to commemorate Mandy Moore's enduring spirit.
...has petitioned Ben and Jerry's to develop a Mandy Moore-flavored ice cream (Mandy S'mores).

3. Your sister...
...admires the prehensile tails of South American monkeys.
...daydreams of swinging from branch to branch with the aid of a furry tail.
...was disappointed to discover that Hot Tails! is an ordinary porno mag.
...stroked the cat's tail until its fur wore off.
...used to cry every Christmas because Santa Claus never gave her a tail.
...performs an hour of buttocks-clenching exercises every day in an attempt to stimulate tail growth.

4. Your brother...
...bitterly resents his reputation as a troublemaker.
...didn't really dissect several neighborhood pets.
...was caring for sick cats at the animal shelter when the animal dismemberments occurred.
...didn't really rob a liquor store at gunpoint.
...was doing volunteer work at a homeless shelter when the robbery took place.
...didn't really expose himself to students at an elementary school playground.
...was tutoring inner-city children at the time of the exposure incident.
...did in fact bludgeon his evil identical twin to death with a toaster oven.
...donated his twin's ill-gotten assets to Greenpeace.

5. Your grandmother...
...has read every Harlequin romance novel ever published.
...truly believes that sex is best after sixty.
...spiced up "Game Night" at the senior center with "Strip Bingo."
...prefers the supple bodies of younger men.
...watches you through a keyhole as you undress.
...plans to slip a Mickey in the batter next time she bakes for you.

6. Your grandfather...
...didn't really earn all those medals in World War II.
...spent the war years in prison for a triple murder committed during a bank robbery.
...contributed to the war effort by making license plates for military jeeps.
...assumed his current name after escaping from prison by hiding in the hollowed-out corpse of a fat inmate.
...first met your grandmother while burglarizing her parents' house.
...contemplated selling you for cash when you were a toddler.
...fervently wishes that you would drop out of Yale and follow in his footsteps as a professional criminal.

7. Your aunt...
...vacuums her entire house five times a week.
...sterilizes her toothbrush with a blowtorch after each use.
...boils used Kleenex and Band-Aids to kill germs.
...pours rubbing alcohol into her ears daily to prevent earwax formation.
...cleans her goldfish weekly in the dishwasher.
...passes all of her urine through a Brita filter to avoid dirtying her sewage pipe.
...removes dirt from her cat's paws with a belt sander.
...tore out her toenails to prevent under-nail dirt buildup.

8. Your uncle...
...hates animals.
...feels elated when Bambi's mother is shot.
...vomits whenever he visits a zoo.
...has a powerful urge to take an axe to your aunt's cat.
...sprinkles bacon bits on vegetarian dishes at the company cafeteria.
...sends generous donations to struggling veal farmers.
...has often wondered if he could fit an entire rabbit in his blender.
...tried unsuccessfully to burn down a pet store.
...once beat an aardvark with a collapsible nightstick.
...likes penguins in spite of himself.

9. Your cousin...
...attends church services four times a week.
...feels closer to God than to any human being.
...wishes that "In God We Trust" were printed in larger letters on U.S. currency.
...keeps a worn photo of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel next to her bed.
...reads the Bible solely to titillate herself.
...cries whenever someone says, "God is dead."
...imagines that God resembles a young Harrison Ford.
...wears her sexiest dress on religious holidays to catch God's eye.
...prays naked.

This page was last updated October 23 2010!

Disclaimer: This magazine is published by Yale College students and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.