The Yale Record | The Magazine | The Natural Selection Issue

The Psychology Issue

Delivered free for Yalies
$40/year by mail

Support the Record at no cost to you!

Be a part of the Yale Record's continued financial solvency!

Advertise with the Yale Record!

Promotional Products

Find great iPod battery kits, or initiate an iPod touch repair, an iPod screen repair, or any other iPod repair service that you may require.

Promotional Pens Promotional Tote Bags Custom Coffee Mugs Promotional Products

Yale University Record readers traveling to Michigan may want to talk with a Detroit Personal Injury Lawyer to learn about how the legal system works in Michigan and in Connecticut.

Thinking about getting moving pods or one way truck rental? Let us do the work - get a moving quote for cheap movers in your area!

Yale University students place their hard earned wages in a Checking Account to ensure that their money is safe and generates interest while they enjoy their four years at Yale University.

Discount Promotional Items for all Students, show your school spirit and get a Yale Promotional Pen today.

Excellent source of hospital related information, find general information about hospitals here.

Great website to find chess games, play chess here for free.

Custom Caps
Custom Hats
Custom Plastic Bags
Non Woven Bags

Great site for cheap funny t shirts
Find and buy the prefect funny sayings t shirts for men and women.
With hilarious geek t shirts and cool t shirt designs available for Yale students.

Add a touch of Zen to your home with kitchen cabinets, TV stands, coffee tables and dining tables from Greentea Design.

Carb blockers
fat loss pill

dvd & blu ray players

The Natural Selection Issue

what really happened to the dinosaurs?
as submitted to scientific american by sedgwick huffington, doctor of rambology

Daniel Zier

For years, the debate over the abrupt and violent demise of the dinosaurs has plagued the minds of paleontologists, evolutionary biologists, and children alike. It is, after all, one of the most profound conundrums of our modern age, equivalent, if not superior, to the debate over creationism and the argument over whether or not an adventure can be more excellent than Bill and Ted’s. As a Rambologist, it has been my duty for the past twenty years to study, scrutinize, and re-enact the life of Lieutenant John Rambo. My research has taken me to the heart of the Vietnamese jungle and the mountain peaks of Afghanistan, and has garnered much admiration and respect among the small, yet elite community of Rambological academics. Years of field work and investigation have led me to a conclusion that, while wholly supported by mounds of evidence, may shock you: I know how the dinosaurs really died, and you, fellow scientists and academics, will be the first to know of this earth-shattering discovery.

Under Mikhail Gorbachev, Soviet diplomats began surreptitiously meeting with velociraptors and triceratops on several occasions between 1983 and 1985. Together, they intended to plant nuclear warheads capable of reaching the United States in 210 million years.¹ The Central Intelligence Agency discovered the meetings while flying reconnaissance over Gondwanaland and President Reagan covertly sent in a squad of Navy Seals to disrupt these clandestine meetings with precision attacks.² En route, however, highly-trained tyrannosauruses ambushed the Seals, killing seven and taking the remaining thirteen as prisoners. The T-rexes’ Soviet-made artillery far outmatched the light weaponry of the Seals and, despite notable evolutionary advantages, the highly-trained Seals were easily neutralized. This left the United States but one option: send in Rambo. Only Rambo could save the prisoners. Only Rambo could save football-loving, flag-waving Americans from dirty red dinosaurs. The fate of the free world was in the tan, sweaty hands of Lieutenant John Rambo. And he was up for the job.³

Rambo’s mission was to save the remaining thirteen prisoners and take down as many dinosaurs as he could.⁴ No one, however, fully understood Rambo’s passionate hatred of communists, and he would not rest until every dinosaur lay dead at the hands of his Colt XM-177 assault rifle. For three relentless and excruciating hours, Rambo’s index finger remained fixed on the trigger of his assault rifle, as he mercilessly butchered dinosaur after dinosaur. He became tired, fatigued from the incessant slaughter, and his clothes became ragged and moist with sweat. But Rambo never surrendered; his extraordinary will power and perfectly tanned pectorals inspired him to do justice, and to protect the welfare of his country. In the span of three hours, Rambo killed 2.4 million dinosaurs.⁵ Out of the goodness of his heart, he spared one baby tyrannosaurus, which he later killed with a hunting knife and fed to an injured prisoner. Rambo got to the dinosaurs before the Soviets could plant their missiles, and he saved America.

Paleontology has entirely supported this hypothesis. Researchers recently unearthed several crossbows believed to belong to Rambo, as well as a lock of glistening black hair. Also found was a tattered shirt, thought to be lost somehow during Rambo’s mission.⁶ While this hard evidence and documented evidence points obviously to Rambo eliminating any chance of dinosaur survival, many academics remain skeptical. Oprologists still support the Deep-Fried in Bacon Grease Theory, proposing that Oprah wiped out the dinosaurs, and Pediphologists still back the Catholic Church Theory, which suggests the dinosaurs were molested to death at a young age. Of these alternate explanations, none are as erroneous as the Annoying Fat Bitch Theory, which claims reruns of Rosanne killed the dinosaurs. All of these allege they provide a tell-all explanation of the dinosaurs’ demise, yet they provide neither the substantial, concrete evidence nor the virility that would make them equal to my newly proposed Rambo Theory. It would be nothing short of typical for my colleagues to dismiss this proposal as mistaken and scientifically unsound, but I only ask that you watch classic works of scholarship like Rambo, Rambo II, and Rambo III. You will see, like I have, that Rambo had both the weaponry and the hatred of communism to eradicate Marxist dinosaurs from the face of this democracy-loving earth. God bless you, John Rambo, God bless you.

¹ Mishkov, Vladimir. The Dinosaurs Will Probably Let Us Plant Nukes Because They’re Not Very Smart. Moscow UP, Moscow, 1985, pgs. 7-9.

² Tenant, George. When the CIA Fucks Up. Random House, Washington DC and New York, 2001.

³ Rambo, John. I Was Up for the Job. Bantam Books, New York, 1985, pg 1.

⁴ Clinton, Bill. The Ultimate Rambo Guide. Yale UP, New Haven, 2004, pg 864.

⁵ Rambo, John. The Dinosaurs Cried Like English Schoolgirls with Skinned Knees When I Killed Them. Warner Bros. Books, Los Angeles, 1986.

⁶ Bloom, Harold. Shirtless: The Ultimate Rambo Anthology. Yale UP, New Haven, 2003.

This page was last updated October 23 2010!

Disclaimer: This magazine is published by Yale College students and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.