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The Nuclear Issue
a lecture from nuclear physics 410, as taught at bob jones university
Katy Waldman
Before I begin my lecture, I’d like you to look at the student seated on your right. Good. Now, please look to your left. It is very likely that all three of you will soon glut the insatiable maw of Hell. My purpose is to debunk certain cultural myths surrounding the Nuclear Bomb: to rip away the lies of “science.” We must ask ourselves a question: If God is already subjecting every molecule of your being to slow annihilation, why should He create WMDs? It’s not like your soul isn’t already burning like so-much poorly-disposed-of garbage. This, and not some “scientific” nonsense-de-jour, proves the central controversy of nuclear physics.
First, the nuclear bomb is not a man-made invention, but a vessel for divine anger. It simply concentrates, at any particular moment, God’s seething hatred for the human race. Some will accuse me here of overlooking technical details. They will ask questions about ivory tower mumbo-jumbo like “uranium,” “fission,” “atoms,” and “homosexuality.” These terms, which belong to so-called “science,” deflect credit away from the Ultimate Inventor. He alone, and not a bunch of blasphemous dots gallivanting around inside some glorified microwave, enabled the atom bomb. He alone, enthroned in Heaven, proclaimed: “Let there be Nukes!” Yes, and then, on that blessed afternoon in Nevada Alamogordo burned. Alamogordo was a sinful desert. It did not speak English. In any case, the same coven that calls Oppenheimer the author of the atom bomb doubtless also believes I evolved from a monkey. We cannot credit a single man with the “discovery” of nuclear power. We can only indict the entire teeming swarm of humanity for provoking it.
Perhaps you are surprised to learn that Divine Anger can be stored in a bomb. Let me assure you that my statement is strongly confirmed by several of the lesser known books of the Bible. We can conclude, therefore, that a nuclear weapon is in fact the receptacle for God’s Holy Wrath, just as KFC is the receptacle for His Crispy Delicious Goodness and Paris Hilton is the receptacle for…ahem! It appears that one of you has altered my note-cards. Titter now, yes. In the night God will smite your soul.
Men of exceptional virtue may harness atomic weapons, provided, of course, that their own ends harmonize with God’s will. As you may recall from last night’s reading, God’s will consists of you broiling eternally in a vat of magma while demonic badgers gnaw at your limbs. While the nuclear bomb is both the manifestation of that will and the process by which it is accomplished, we may praise it additionally as a purification rite. Our ancestors fought the pernicious tentacles of corruption through prayer, good works, proselytizing, confession, or the experience of being “born again.” We cleanse ourselves by exploding such pockmarks of sin as still riddle the earth. I speak of swimming pools, where young girls flaunt their nubile flesh shamelessly, and cinema houses, and the Democratic National Convention.
In closing, nuclear weapons should make you look inside yourself. This is not merely because your skin has evaporated. No: stare long and hard at that shriveled, mewling, pitiful sin-box you call your soul. All of you are bowling pins lined up against the black ball of destruction, and the ball is monogrammed G.O.D. You fan the flames of His Wrath with your every breath. And rapidly approaches the Armageddon of our time—a flood not of water but of searing heat. No ark to preserve you in all your mortal filth. Nay, for on this day, divine Power shall mushroom in heavenly glory, and from the earth to the shining stars, all shall be consumed!
Your chapter test will be next Thursday.
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