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The Sellout Issue
vichy france: like france, but better!
daniel zier
We're Not Giving In To Nazi Germany - We're Teaming Up!
Mes chers citoyens,
Many of our countrymen are saying we've “surrendered” to the Germans. Cities are awash in unrest, meetings are being held surreptitiously to plot against my government, and every day, la Resistance wages its petty war against us. Of course this hurts me, but it hurts someone else even more, someone whose heart, soul, and feathers are on the line for the French people, but whose offer of peace, prosperity, and freundschaft are being coldly rejected by my people. I am talking, of course, about the pointy black Nazi eagle thing.
Many of you think that I have simply become a pawn of Hitler, that our mutual adoration of personal cleanliness, hair gel, and contemporary men's fashion has tainted my perception of what is good for France. But you are wrong as Adolf is handsome. After all, is it not true that a German takeover has much to offer us? Do the French people not like German wine? It is made with nothing short of the finest hops, and will quench even the thirstiest of braumeisters. Is it that German täste is not refined enough? Or maybe that German art lacks the innovation and sophistication of French art, focusing instead on lederhosen and scenes of yodeling in mountain pastures? As you will see, becoming a colony of Germany actually makes us even more French.
In fact, in many areas of culture, Germany has surpassed even the best French efforts. As much as it pains me to say this, their escargot, known as escargüt, comes from the best manatees in the North Sea and has been consistently rated the best in international taste tests. It goes well with German baguette, which the Germans call “bratwurst.” Even more impressive, Germans have developed an innovative method of cooking crèpes, which are now known ubiquitously throughout Berlin as “flazerndunkachtnist” and are made mostly of cheese, sausage, and hatred. As my great uncle Hans von Petain recently remarked, “If there's one reason that people will remember Germany in the 1940's, it's because they perfected the crêpe.”
Some of you have also questioned my decision to move the capital of France, henceforth known as Frünk, to the city of Vichy, in the center of the colony. While it is easy to be angered while thinking of the rich history and cultural significance of Paris, many of you seem to forget that Vichy is often considered the Baden-Baden of central Frünk. Lush hillsides surrounding the city, with natural springs lending themselves nicely to spa getaways, and a convenient autobahn links the stadtzentrum to the randgebiet der stadt. It is the perfect match for escargüt-loving Frünchmen everywhere, and I trust even the most prideful of Parisians will find themselves hard pressed to find a better strudel in Paris than those of my new friend Guntag Reimbrecht, who currently occupies a former government building just around the corner from my hüse.
We should all rejoice at this gem of alliance, and, as such, I have taken it upon myself to find an innovative symbol for our dear colony, one which expresses our love and anbetung for Nazi Germany, but which also embodies the spirit of ancient Frünk. Thus, it is with great pride that I introduce the everlasting symbol of Frünk: the fleur-de-lystika. Part coeur, part klugheit, the result the der fleur-de-lystika is an everlasting symbol for the future prosperity of our great colony and our eternal thanks to the German liberators for their wisdom, compassion, and steadfast attention to detail. We should be proud of der fleur-de-lystika and treat it as the emblem of our sort-of state, knowing full well that it embodies the innovative engineering and excellence in automobile manufacturing will soon define our people. If you cannot recognize those great attributes, mein amis, then you don't deserve to call yourselves Frünchmen.
If you remain unconvinced, dear citizens, don't worry--you will come to love these changes with time. For the rest of you wonderfully unquestioning surrender monkeys, remember this: somewhere, high in the Alps, the pointy, black Nazi eagle thing is proud of du.
Herzlichst,
Philippe Pétain
This page was last updated October 23 2010!
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