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The Fun-In-The-Sun Issue

Mailbags

by the Record Staff

Dear Yale Record,
Well, I don't have fun in the sun!
– Icarus

Dear Yale Record,
Tommy! Tommy Perkins! Perkinsperkinsperkins... TOM-MY!!!
– Tommy Perkins, Age 7, Going Through a "Pokemon" phase

Dear Martha's Vineyard,
Let me caress your voluptuous inlets and fishing holes and whatnot.
– Nantucket

Dear Yale Record,
Are you reading that? Well, could you hurry up?
– Commons Newspaper Pick-up Lady

Dear Yale Record,
Why can't we have a "Fun Where the Sun Don't Shine" number? My mom says I burn too easy to go in the sun.
–Little Timmy

Dear Yale University,
We'd like to offer you an exclusive promotional contract we think you'll love. We'll fund your Science Hill development projects, and all Yale has to do in return is change its motto to "Lux et Gorditas."
– Taco Bell

Dear Yale Record,
Oh yeah, uh-huh, I am the best darned mountain lion around. That's right. Second to none. Numero uno.
– Sammy the Self-Deluding Mountain Lion

Dear Yale Record,
Knock knock.
– Knock-Knock Joke

Dear Knock-Knock Joke,
Who's there?
– Yale Record

Dear Yale Record,
Banana.
– Knock-Knock Joke

Dear "Orange you glad..." Knock-Knock Joke,
I know who you are. Also, don't you think it's better to tell this kind of joke all at once, rather than serially in letter form? I think the effect is lost.
– Yale Record

Dear Yale Record,
Orange you glad I didn't say "banana?" (Knock knock. Who's there? Pause. Pause who? Pause for laughter.)
– Knock-Knock Joke

Dear "Orange you glad..." Knock-Knock Joke,
We never went through the "Banana who?" rigmarole, and I never asked "Orange who?" You forced that punchline on me. I don't appreciate that.
– Yale Record

Dear Mr. Franklin,
You said that "both fish and visitors smell after 3 days." I don't have a calendar in my house. How should I prepare roasted halibut?
Gratefully,
Millie Thompson

Dear Bob Dylan,
It's seven. Seven times. Now shut the hell up and let me sleep.
The White Dove

Dear Yale Record,
Quick! You guys gotta help me! Oh man, give me some place to hide! Oh, thanks! You guys are the best.
Charles the Robot

Dear Yale Record,
Did you see that danged robot? Hoo-wee! I'm gonna git me a robot! Hoo-wee!
Cletus the Robot Hunter

Dear Yale Record,
Have you ever gotten really high and just written a letter to yourself? It's Phat.
Yale Record
Ed: No.

Dear Resident,
If you ever want to see your son/daughter/wife/pet snake Iggy again, please leave in the trash can at the corner of 34th and Elm no less than:
( )$1,000,000 [Patron]
( )$500,000 [Donor]
( )$10,000 [Friend]
( )$3 [Student]
Do not contact the authorities.
Gratefully yours,
The Kidnappers

Dear Yale Record,
C'mon, guys. This isn't funny anymore. Where'd you hide my kidneys?
Some Whiny Dork

Dear Director,
We regret to inform you that our last missive was intended to inform you that the department should be converted to UNIX, not EUNUCHS. Please confirm cancellation of the moyle; he wasn't quite suited for the job anyway. Cordially yours,
Walter P. Messerschmidt

Dear Yale Record,
I am writing to complain about the freshman who just moved into my old dorm room in Connecticut Hall. He is a drunkard and a fornicator of the worst kind, and he hung a Led Zeppelin poster right where my woodcut of John Winthrop used to be.
Nathan Hale

Dear Yale Record,
Well, you told me to kiss your hairy red ass!
Amelia Bedelia

This page was last updated October 23 2010!

Disclaimer: This magazine is published by Yale College students and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.