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The Fun-In-The-Sun Issue
by Mollie Wilson '03
Thanks to Matt Fogel and Mike Gerber Levin warns against outbreak of "LevinMania"
By Charles Kringas
YDS Staff Reporter
Girls, control yourselves. That's the message President Richard Levin gave the class of 2004 in his convocation address earlier this week.
"It has come to my attention," began the typically dry yet captivating Levin, "that the students of Yale -- particularly, but not exclusively, the females -- are prone to attacks of what I call 'LevinMania.' They're just so darn fond of me, it's a natural and understandable reaction to my powerful presence. But if our students are in danger, it has to stop."
Symptoms of LevinMania, according to Levin, include screaming, fainting, tearing of hair (or "trichotillomania"), and general hysteria. "It happens whenever I appear to speak to the students," he informed the bewildered frosh. "In fact, I'm certain one or two of you are experiencing LevinMania right now." By candidly addressing the incoming freshmen on this topic, Levin hoped to avoid the "embarrassing outpouring of affection" which accompanied last year's convocation. "I've considered ending the practice of hosting a reception in my home after the assembly, but it wouldn't be fair to rob you all of a chance to shake my hand just because a handful of students might end up in the DUH as a result. That's a risk I have to take."
After the assembly, Levin surveyed the bored faces of the class of 2004 with satisfaction. "They're trying their hardest to maintain control," he observed. "I knew I could count on the maturity of our student body." Asked if he had any further plans for preventing the phenomenon, Levin explained, "We may add an extra question to the application for admission: 'Are you subject to hysterical fits when in the presence of someone especially attractive or stimulating?' We're hoping that will weed out some of the weaker co-eds. Beyond that, I pledge to make a concerted effort to rein in my considerable animal magnetism. It won't be easy, but for the safety of our students, I'll do my best."
Yale slips to #88 in U.S. News list
Still ranked #1 University in New Haven
By Martha Dobie
YDS Reporter
U.S. News & World Report has released its annual college rankings, and the news isn't good for the Elis.
Yale slipped to the 88th slot in the prestigious, arbitrary list, coming in well behind such long-time rivals as Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech. New York's Fashion Institute of Technology was this year's surprise #1.
Yale was sixth in the Ivy League, beating out only Penn and Cornell. "And let's face it, they're not real Ivies anyway," admitted Yale President Richard Levin.
Yale remained the top university in New Haven, although insiders say that the contest was close. "Albertus Magnus made a strong showing," said a spokesman for U.S. News. "Unless Yale makes significant changes -- specifically, in the form of contributions to U.S. News -- 2001 could bring a new champ."
Some fear that the low ranking could reduce the number of applicants to the Class of 2005. "High school seniors naturally turn to U.S. News when it comes to making their college choice," said Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw. "It keeps them from having to do any research of their own."
To combat the effects of the study, Yale has pledged its support to Outlaw Biker in return for a guaranteed top spot in that publication's lesser-known annual college rankings. "A subscription fee will be added to each student's tuition," Levin explained. "Students will reap the benefits of this partnership: not only will Yale maintain its prestige, but Yalies will be able to keep up with the world of Harleys, tats, and leather. Enjoy, and boola boola!"
Local Briefs
Crap About Yale, New Haven, and Connecticut
York St. panhandler still needs dime for bus
Frequent customers of Krauszer's on York St. are no doubt surprised to find, upon returning to Yale, that the well-known "bus fare beggar" is still short a single dime.
The panhandler, who calls himself "Professor Dogg," has been asking passing students for a dime since April, according to Eric O'Brien, SM '02. "Every time I walk by, he holds out a handful of change and says he only needs a dime more for the bus. Frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't gotten it yet."
"I just don't get it," added Lisa Orski, CC '03, as she searched for a place to park her BMW. "I've given him a dime on several occasions. He must have lost it or something. Maybe I should just give him a ride."
Naples adds track lighting, misc. Americana to decor
A renovation involving mint green paint and chintzy wood paneling was only the first step in the quest to make Naples, the popular student hangout, into a family restaurant. Students entering the pizzeria for a welcome-back pitcher were taken aback by new track lighting and miscellaneous decorative items hanging from the walls.
"We wanted to give the place a friendlier feel -- more like Applebee's or Hoss's," the owners say. "We're still waiting for the new booster seats and word-puzzle placemats to come in."
The famous jukebox is still in place, although it too has been tailored to family use. "We removed all the songs with cussing," the owners say. "But we hope students will still come to hear their favorite non-offensive tunes. Now students can party to 'Sweet Child of Mine' and 'Rubber Duckie' in the same night!"
Freshman's "crazy eye" unnerves, taunts suitemates
By Anthony Hope
YDS Reporter
At first glance, Stacie McDermott, TC '04, is the perfect roommate. She's neat (but not too neat), doesn't smoke, and listens to "top 40" music. But just ten days into the fall semester, her suitemates have discovered that living with Stacie isn't as easy as they' d expected -- thanks to her distracting "crazy, lazy eye."
"I just couldn't believe it when I met her for the first time," said McDermott's roommate Lindsay Russell '04. "She turned around, and I gave a little scream. I tried to hide it, but I was thrown for a loop. I think my parents were a little startled too."
"We'd chatted over the summer, but she never mentioned her cataclysmic astigmatism," adds suitemate Alicia Chen '04. "Now I know why."
Few Trumbullians have been able to carry on a normal conversation with the googly-eyed frosh. "You just can't stop staring at it," admits Raul Hernandez '01, McDermott's freshman counselor, "so I avoid her whenever possible."
Friends predict that Stacie's chances of happiness at Yale, particularly in the form of romance, are slim. "I can see the safe-sex workshop will be a waste of time for her," jokes Hernandez. "Although, she is kind of cute, in her own way... she reminds me of Cookie Monster."
McDermott herself is charmingly oblivious to her condition. "I don't know why you'd want to interview me," she giggled when contacted by the YDS under ridiculously false pretenses. "I'm really nothing special... My impressions of Yale? Well, everybody seems really shy so far, but I'm sure they'll warm up once we all -- why are you looking over my shoulder?"
Yale offers record third writing course
"Someday we'll top Near-Hindu Studies," swears English DUS
By J. B. Hapgood
YDS Reporter
Reacting to demands from whimpering would-be laureates, the Yale College administration has finally agreed to add a third creative writing course to the Blue Book for the fall semester. The new course, "The Essay: An Exercise in Literary Masturbation," will not count toward the English major.
"Rats!" said Daphne Longerer, SY '03.
"Really, this seems frivolous to me," frowned Registrar Barry Kane as he searched for a dank janitorial closet in which the new class could be held. "Why would anyone possibly want to waste their time like that?"
President Richard Levin agreed with Kane. "What's so important about expressing yourself clearly? Yale students already possess the exemplary intellectual advantage of a diverse coeducational environment, benefiting from both sides of a vibrant, symbiotic relationship with the town-gown co-matrix which fosters the mature growth of a community of disparate students, preparing to impact the next millennium, and beyond with their intellect, creativity, and diversity..."
Richard Brodhead, Dean of Yale College, tepidly supported the move. "Look, I can't lie to you: it won't get them into law school. But less ambitious students could benefit from such a class. In the real world, Yale grads aren't going to be asked to write detailed analyses of Paradise Lost or Finnegan's Wake. They just might, however, be asked to write something spontaneous and creative, even if it's just a gardening column for their local free newspapers. It's very important that students learn to value clear, effective writing." Asked for his response to Dean BrodheadÕs statement, President Levin laughed and said, "Oh, you know Dick. He's kind of a nut about words and stuff."
Due to its late addition, the course is not listed in the fall supplement either, according to Kane, who sneered, "If you really want to write, you'll find it."
Football recruit turns down Yale, insults privileged students
By Howard Roark
YDS Staff Reporter
Yale football coach Jack Siedlecki has had his eye on Billy Engleton for three years now -- ever since the running back started dominating other high school teams around Bridgeport. The athletics department wined and dined the recruit in an attempt to lure him to Yale this fall, even offering to place him in "one of the good colleges" -- but Engleton turned down the Bulldogs, and offended most of Yale in the process.
Shocked by his refusal, administrators contacted Engleton for a statement -- and got an earful. "Are you kidding? I wouldn't go to Yale if you paid me," he scoffed. (Athletic Director Tom Beckett denies offering money to Engleton.) "I can just see myself sitting in the dining hall -- next to me I'd have some stuck-up, pipe-smoking Young Republican. Across from me there'd be some smart chick with no makeup. My roommate would probably be from Choate or some other sissy-ass prep school. No way! And all those white kids? I don't trust 'em. You can take your letter of guaranteed acceptance upon receipt of application and shove it up your tight Yalie asses." (Director of Admissions Richard Shaw denies sending Engleton such a letter, or, if he did, having such an ass.)
Engleton will reportedly matriculate at Texas A&M, where he will major in economics. He looks forward to "partying, having lots of sex, taking some easy-ass classes, and -- if I go pro -- still making more money than you sorry mofos" in the future.
Web-footed quartet electrifies swim team
By Otis P. Driftwood
YDS Reporter
One look at Yale's newest swimmers in their bare feet will tell you that the Elis have an excellent shot at the Ivy title this year. "Why didn't we think of it before?" says swimming coach Frank Keefe. "It's so simple -- webbed feet!"
Four new frosh swimmers are dazzling opponents with their grace and speed, and grossing out teammates with their frog-like webbed toes. "We went to the ends of the earth to find these mutants," Coach Keefe says proudly. "Two are from the Ukraine, and grew up four and six miles from Chernobyl, respectively. One is a member of the British royal family, and the fourth is just a freak of nature from here in the States. But, like I always tell 'em, 'Mother Nature's screw-up is our gain!'"
Uri Yampolskoff '04, a Russian recruit, smiled blankly when asked for a comment. "He doesn't speak much English," explained teammate Richard Burne '03. "I heard he didn't even go to school in Russia. Coach says he was ostracized by his village, and nearly burned as a warlock. But you should see his breaststroke!"
National Briefs
Gershwin, Heyward estates prohibit hackneyed lede
NEW YORK (AP) -- The combined estates of composer George Gershwin and lyricist DuBose Heyward, creators of the 1935 opera Porgy and Bess, have had enough. A new copyright statement issued by George Gershwin Music and the DuBose and Dorothy Heyward Memorial Fund will prevent journalists from beginning any further articles with the oft-quoted line, "Summertime, an' the livin' is easy."
"We're just sick of it," said a spokesman for the Heyward family. "Every summer it's the same thing -- you can't open the paper or read a magazine without seeing that line at the beginning of some sports write-up or community calendar." Often misquoted and seldom credited, the opening lyric of the song "Summertime" is well known to journalists as an all-purpose lede for trite articles published during the summer months. "We'll be sorry to see it go," admitted New York Times theater critic Ben Brantley. "I mean, I respect the sanctity of 'Summertime' as a piece of theatre history, but, man! It was a great way to start a story. Now what will I do when I need an opening?"
The Gershwin/Heyward estates have offered to compromise with creatively challenged journalists by making other, less famous Porgy lyrics available for use. "We invite reporters to help themselves," the statement said, "And look forward to reading stories which begin with the line, 'Bess, you is my woman now,' or 'A red-headed woman makes a choo-choo jump its track.'"
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