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The Underwater Issue
the worst case scenario survival handbook: aquatic encounters
Sean Gandert The modern professional will unavoidably encounter certain
awkward social situations, often involving oxygen deprivation,
leaking seabed pineapples, and pirates. With these urgent needs
in mind, The Yale Record has assembled a star-studded council of
celebrated international experts to provide definitive assistance
in one slim waterproof brochure.
My boat is sinking.
If your boat has an adequate supply of
lifeboats, then you’re fine. If not, consult
the correct section below for advice:
1. If you’re the owner or a crewmember
of the boat, immediately remove all signs
of your office and shove them at the next
passenger you see. Then spring towards
the lifeboats pointing and screaming at the
passenger, “Look! There he is! That’s the
captain, make sure he doesn’t get a lifeboat, he killed us all!”
2. If you’re a passenger on the boat, get to
the lifeboats as fast as possible and avoid
all members of the crew like the plague.
I’m drowning.
Swim. Quit breathing in water.
I’m drowning because I don’t know how
to swim.
Why didn’t you say so in the first place?
You would have saved us both a lot of
time. That’s what happens when you’re
not direct with these things, and I for one
am not the slightest bit surprised that a
person like you can’t swim. Have you
ever tried taking swimming lessons? Jesus, if you can’t help yourself, don’t look
at me to drag you kicking and screaming
out of the water. You know what? If I
help you, you’ll never learn for yourself.
If you manage to learn how to swim in
the next . . . 78 seconds you have before
losing consciousness, then we’ll talk.
Sharks are circling me. Ouch! One just
bit me, help!
Those aren’t real sharks, those are just
people wearing some of those hilarious
fake shark fi ns on their back. The bite
must’ve just been for added realism.
That bastard over there splashed me.
Nobody likes a crybaby. You just splash
him back.
A whale has eaten me.
Unless your name is Jonah, you’re
fucked.
I’m accidentally having a magical adventure
under the sea with a band of
musical sea creatures.
The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin’ sharp – so don’t let them
play the bass, keep them on the drums.
I’ve fallen in love with a mermaid.
That’s just sick. You’re trying to . . . with
a fish? How does that even work? The
cloacae? Wait, never mind, I don’t even
want to know, just don’t do it.
A gang of rowdy yet secretly kind-hearted pirates has boarded my ship.
Now’s your chance! Join them and travel around the world plundering from
overly rich boat owners then donating
the spoils to various charities such as
the Sierra Club, the Red Cross, and the
burying under a spot marked ‘X’ fund.
Turns out they’re not so much a gang of
rowdy yet secretly kind-hearted pirates as
they are a gang of bloodthirsty pirates.
Shit. Umm . . . run, or something.
I’m on a life raft slowly running out of
food and water.
First, look around the raft for any hot
members of the opposite sex. Yeah, I
agree, she really is out of your league. But that’s the beauty
of it, who else is
she going to choose? Beardy McGrime-
encrustedwifebeater over there? That
guy who is still somehow wearing too
much cologne? Mr. I-Only-Have-One-Leg-Because-I-Drew-the-Short-Straw-So-Now-Beardy McGrimeencrustedwifebeater-Is-Eating-My-Other-Leg?
Now’s your big chance. Start slowly but make sure she
understands what you’re thinking. If all goes well, you’ll be able to
switch this situation from slowly dying
in a hopeless life raft to slowly dying in a
hopeless life raft of love.
This page was last updated October 23 2010!
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