Congratulations, sir! I apologize for interrupting your poolside solstice, but it seems your wife has signed you up for our cruise line's "marine discovery" program. No, I'm sorry, she hasn't signed herself up. Just you. In fact yours is the only name on the list here, which says a little something about the popularity of the Cuban scavenger hunt we have running on-shore today. I might add, however, that there's also something to be said about private, one-on-one training, which I will personally provide to you if you follow me this way to the observation deck.

Sir, as we make our way through the engine room let me explain that the "marine discovery" program has no set protocol or guidelines, but is dependent entirely on the input of participants such as yourself (and others when they are along as well). Do you scuba dive? Good. Do you like dolphins? Great! Let's embark the observation boat.

Sir, on this tour we'll be on the hunt for dolphins. More specifically, today it will be my job to show you how we can make use of the dolphin as a "sea creature", namely, as one that will save the lives of humans at sea. You may have heard tales of such feats, such as the dolphin who saved Elizabeth Taylor's life on the set of "The Magnificent Ambersons", or the one that saved her on the set of "The Taming of the Shrew". In any case, as our teetering observation boat is lowered onto these choppy ocean waters, one must remark that a boat (especially a vintage, reconditioned 1945 PT boat) really holds flimsy weight against the waves that keep it afloat. These circumstances, however, present a wonderful opportunity to observe a creature who truly can hold its own against the ocean tempest, and might one day do the same for you.

(1) THE MIX

Now, those are dolphin sails to our aft. We will gently steer the boat towards them, and prepare method one of gaining the dolphin's trust, "the mix". You've probably noticed that most of our cargo consists of several cases of lemon juice. I might explain that there is a method itself in gaining access to so much lemon juice without so much embarrassment; it requires two shopping carts -- one filled with lemon juice, the other with cheap wine -- a pack of condoms, and a sly wink to the Safeway clerk that "something special's planned for tonight". (The condoms and wine will be used in the sixth and second methods, respectively). For now it suffices that we pour the lemon around the circumference of our swaying boat, and wait for a passing dolphin to inhale and become quite sick from it. If you will, please help with the net, and we'll catch that one to the right who's coughing up a fit.

(2) THE PARTY

To the casual eye, that may appear to be a dead dolphin floating in our cargo net, but from the trained sailor's perspective, that's a life-sized pool toy waiting to be clung to. Not yet, sir. This dolphin's inertness presently gives us the opportunity to try method two, known as "the party". Dolphins are by their nature very social animals, and it's not unheard of for a trainer or researcher to share some Bordeaux with one after a successful trick or experiment. Please grab a bottle or two from below deck. Although I doubt we'll have much luck persuading this dolphin to open his mouth to the cold spray of alcohol, it's true, but I admit somewhat amazing, that a dolphin's blowhole can accommodate up to two bottles of the stuff at a time, with no loss to affect. Now, after unscrewing the corks, to preserve the wine's propulsion, we must invert the bottles quickly into that orifice, and allow them several minutes to drain out.

With that much wine we've either given the dolphin an amiable buzz, or drugged it into a state of unconsciousness, which is obviously the case here. Let's unhitch the net and find livelier ones elsewhere.

(3) THE PROPOSAL

We'll seat ourselves aftward now, and prepare to cast a line until clearer waters are being sailed. The method is called "the proposal". Here, lend me that solitaire you wear on your left hand. Come on, the sea's hardly a sink! Dolphins have been passed through hoops for centuries in the circus, and I claim that one will try to pass through yours as we reel it in. Yes, we'll tie the jewel tightly on the line before we lose it.

(4) THE DRESS

Take off your clothes. Shirt, watches, shoes, everything. This method, known as "the dress", requires you put on this dolphin-skin suit, which, although practical when worn as a fisherman's raincoat, is simply sublime as dolphin debutante attire. (Worn right, it's said to lead mermaids to their deaths.) Come on, then! With solitaire about to be cast into the water, and you floating -- seductively, if you can -- about the circumference of the boat, we'll nearly be set.

(5) THE SET-UP

Nothing must be left to chance when gaining a dolphin's trust; this is why, I might tell you, that I left our oil cans aboard the cruise ship: after so many tanker foul-ups, the creatures of the sea have learned to avoid the slick death that they foretell. I admit, though, that oil is necessary for a smoothly running ship, as the small fire now starting in the engine room makes dangerously obvious. Let's suit up in our life jackets, and prepare to abandon ship.

Presently you must realize, meters away from our fiery vessel, that a boat can oftentimes be worthless in the hands of a cruel sea. But I see instead you've assumed the "rescue" posture! Arms flailing, eyes open wide in terror, mouth screaming. Is this a show for the dolphins, or does the tossing tide truly scare you? In either case, sir, I'm sure dolphins will be lining up to save you! Wait, though, for an unexpected, but welcome, cue: you might remember that the equipment for the cruise line's fireworks display is stored on the observation boat.

Yes, the scene is now set: column of smoke off to the right, driftwood all around, wine cargo dispersed, two hapless sailors (that's us!) floating in tandem, cursing their luck. Would any creature of the sea save us now? Look, that may be a dolphin's sail off from the distance!

Well, you're right, the fin is a bit larger than that of the dolphin before. The teeth, and wide, voracious mouth are suspect, too. Yes, it's not unheard of for a shark to share similar territory to the dolphin. But you ought to realize what a dolphin would do when faced with a similar situation: swim, man, swim for your life!