How to Trick
a Dolphin Into Saving your Life
Second Rendition
The first
record of a dolphin refusing to save a man's life comes from
the Barbary Coast, dated 1839, in a young merchant's first-hand
account:
...And
first-mate Smith begins speaking to the Dolphin, and as the crew is
crouched over the edge (but the first-mate on a ladder twenty feet
below) we only hear the bare rudiments of conversation. First-mate
Smith asks about the location of sunken treasure, to which the
Dolphin responds enthusiastically -- splashing, followed by a volley
of bizarre noises -- and the deck mob begins cheering, while their
head, the second-mate, announces "Here is the Dolphin's treasure,
Smith" and, the second-mate being the one of us competent to perform
the task, begins urinating on Smith's ladder-bound body.
Smith curses
and plunges into the ocean, returning to the ladder when he's sure
the second-mate is finished. Now the Dolphin is a frenzy of
activity, to which Smith declares the beast has other things in
mind. "He wants rum!" Smith yells, urging the men to transfer down a
liter, although the second-mate stresses he was always unsure of the
difference between rum and piss.
Liter in
hand, Smith turns to the Dolphin and begins interrogating it via
noises imitative of the various squawks and whimpers emerging from
its bobbing skull; and, convinced he's on to something, presents his
findings: the Dolphin, it seems, is interested in a game of
"Dolphin's Up", which, luckily for the crew, who've been practically
swimming in ale since supper, is a drinking game. As the Dolphin, or
Smith, rationalizes to us, the game is far more serious: it is to be
a contest of man and the sea, two naturally opposing forces. And
what better to decide the victor than a victual?
So the
glorious challenge is on! The crew sneaks into the Captain's room
and emerges moments later with a yawning Captain, who, happily
enough, has already been contesting with a spot of rum. He is placed
before a table mid-deck, while the Dolphin is provided with a
buoyant supply of the snifter twenty feet below, and Smith is
prepared to read the rules: Each contestant is to drink as much as
they can, and the one who loses will be thrown to the winner, to be
eaten.
Thus the game
is off! The play unfolding is that of the fearless Captain resolute
on his stool emptying bottles into his enormous maw; and the Dolphin
swimming noisily round the circumference of the ship, sometimes only
visible by the inverted rum bottle placed in its blowhole (as this
is the only fitting orifice Smith could find); and the crew
gathering admiringly round the Captain and his chance to be finally
victorious over the sea.
But he isn't.
It seems, aided by Smith, the Dolphin can fit many more bottles of
rum in the reservoir beneath its blowhole than can the Captain, and
where, half-past two in the morning, the Captain is unconscious
mid-deck, the Dolphin is still gleefully skimming the water, much
more often now ramming into the ship, perhaps in its undersea tongue
boasting that he'd sink the vessel if he could...but Smith, perched
on his ladder, is now prepared to name the Dolphin the victor.
Sadly the
crew balances the hulking captain over its shoulder and hurls his
still body over the edge into the choppy waters, where we're
expecting a quite gruesome victory dinner, but instead the man sinks
readily into the sea. The Dolphin, still staggering through the
water, apparently is too drunk to realize its triumph, or, even if
it had the benevolence the Captain surely had, to foreswear its meal
and save him... |