For years, greedy, business oriented students have been forced to take classes that had nothing to do with their future careers. That all changed this fall, when a study found nearly half of undergraduates in favor of a business-related major. Obliging business alums set up the new department, prompting reactions from all over the spectrum.

“I’m so psyched,” raved Morse junior David Harder, “I came here thinking I’d have to put up with that liberal education crap to get the ol’ Yale diploma, but now, I can expand my mind, and my richness at the same time.” Harder’s roommate, Ron Morrison, another Investment Banking convert, was equally excited. “I may never be able to use any of this stuff in the real word, but I love my classes. I suppose if I wanted to, I could get a job as an investment banker. Actually, at this point, it’s pretty tempting,” Morrison admitted.

Unfortunately, the success of the new major has forced Yale to make some tough choices. The student-less departments of Economics, Political Science, American Studies, and Sociology have been destroyed. Tenured faculty from these departments must now either teach courses on a subject they know nothing about, or drink themselves into oblivion. “This is the most humiliating day of my professional career,” sighed ex-Professor of Economics Gardah Milhami, “and I don’t think our Marxist friend Professor Berger is going to take it very well.”

The more resourceful professors have already found ways to adjust. For example, Milhami’s newest class—Investment Banking in Nationalist China—has absolutely nothing to do with banking. Several students in the class noted that it actually shares many of the same elements as the course he’d otherwise be teaching this semester, “Nationalist China.”

Because the Humanities largely escaped the wholesale flight of students to Investment Banking, professors there seem to hold a bafflingly optimistic view of their own safety. One professor bragged: “The Humanities embody everything Yale stands for; I don’t think we’ll ever have to worry about our students. Unless they make a Prelaw major—but that’s simply too ridiculous to consider.”

Humanities majors were even more vocal in their contempt for Investment Banking. When asked for a comment, English major Joel Phillips ’99 turned bright red, blurted out “O, Mammon, shall your thirst for evil never wane?” and then ran away in tears. Some were more intrigued than frightened. “Personally, I think it’s interesting, that so many fraternity and sorority members are in this new major,” noted an outspoken social critic whose bold statement contrasted with his cowardly desire to remain nameless.

Whatever one’s opinion, the Investment Banking major is here to stay. As a recent press release from the Office of Public Affairs stated: “Investment banking has long been a staple of the fresh Yale grad—this just makes the transition official.” Others remained guardedly optimistic: “In the end, their greed shall consume them from within, and their lives will be devoid of any meaning,” chuckled Marxist Professor Berger, “That’ll teach ‘em.”