Canadian pop diva Nelly Furtado. Inset: Canadian geese.

STANFORD (AP)—After nearly two years of careful research, scientists at the McKean Center for Anthropological Study have determined that pop singer Nelly Furtado, who won a Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Performance in 2002, is nothing at all like a bird, despite her insistent claims to the contrary.

“I first grew suspicious when I heard Ms. Furtado sing,” said Dr. Linda Esterhaus.  “She announced that she was ‘like a bird,’ but her vocal timbre suggested an unmistakably human larynx.  The more her hypnotically catchy song was played on the radio, the more I felt responsible for testing the veracity of her unlikely claim.”  Esterhaus and her team of scientists conducted an exhaustive survey of the avian kingdom, but found no bird that bore any significant resemblance to Furtado.  “We found that our subjects tended to possess beaks, feathers, and wings, but none exhibited refreshingly eclectic musicianship or inspiring, winsome individuality,” Esterhaus explained.  “We were forced to conclude that Ms. Furtado’s claims of birdliness are spurious.”

Furtado herself did not respond to invitations to participate in the study, and McKean scientists admit to being uncertain whether the pop singer produces eggs.  However, the report states, “We deem it highly unlikely that Ms. Furtado will be able to act on her threat to ‘fly away,’ unless she is referring to some non-organic method of flight, such as figurative language, or a helicopter.”

“We felt bad debunking such a popular and catchy tune,” Esterhaus admits, “but we had a duty to science.”  In a show of good will, the report concludes by suggesting more accurate titles for future Furtado songs, including “I’m Like a Gnu,” “I Might Be Compared to a Spaniel,” and “I Am Remarkably Dissimilar to a Sea Cucumber.”