2Pac Resurrects Himself In Front Of Anxious Fans
by Ivan Dremov

LAS VEGAS (AP):  Thousands of Tupac Shakur fans gathered at 7500 Bonanza Road yesterday waiting to see their hip-hop idol come back to life.  Mr. Shakur, known to the masses as 2Pac, died from gunshot wounds seven years before.  His fans explored the writings of Italian Niccolo Machiavelli, after whom Shakur named one of his seven posthumous albums, and concluded that Shakur learned from Machiavelli that feigning death is one of the best ways to beat your enemies.  The superstar did not disappoint, appearing live in concert yesterday for the first time since his death. 

Fans have been gathering since early September at the location of the shooting, tailgating and causing trouble for the police.  On the reincarnation night, fans spread three blocks in every direction.  Random fans levitated upwards in the air at 9 p.m. when Pac impersonators finished the classic “Thugz Mansion,” and were not seen again.  Las Vegas police chief Bill Waller commented, “whether or not you levitated towards heaven, we’re still going to charge you for towing your truck.” 

After the Eastsidaz finished their pre-show and blunts made the Vegas night steamy, Mr. Shakur emerged out of the smoke on the main reincarnation stage, performing for hours hits including “If I Die 2 Nite,” “Crooked A** N***a,” and “F*** The World.”  Guest musician Jim Morrison played on “Only Fear Of Death,” and reportedly left the scene with ten kilos of weed.  Many spectators, including Reverend Al Sharpton, campaigning for President, were upset at Morrison’s intrusion into the concert.  “How do people act like that, come and play that loud music at a man’s reincarnation concert?  If I was President I’d arrest them Soy Bombs,” stated a passionate Sharpton.  Pat Robertson had a different bone to pick with the concert: “millions of Christians find this so-called ‘resurrection’ blasphemous before Christ.  Plus, we all know Biggie was better.” 

After the concert, Mr. Shakur spent a considerable amount of time kissing babies, signing autographs and giving interviews.  In a CNN interview Shakur revealed that he can only come back every seven years because if he stays in public, the police will take him into custody for the few lifetimes in prison Shakur earned while still alive.  Indeed, local police were ready to arrest the rapper, but Mr. Shakur disappeared in a flash of blinding white light.  Rapper Dr. Dre commended Shakur for “fucking tha police” by “cutting out for Suge Knight’s trailer.”  After that statement, police and rabid fans attacked the trailer of former Death Row records boss Suge Knight, which was later revealed to be empty. 

A little girl among the spectators found a note in Shakur’s handwriting promising seven more albums in the next seven years, thus giving the fans much to cheer about.  Even Al Sharpton was touched by the scene.  “There is nothing more patriotic 2Pac can do than make more albums, he will help us overcome all our moral doubts of the 21^st century,” said Sharpton tearfully. 

The note said “I see you ganstas in ‘010,” and encouraged the fans to already start preparations for the second reincarnation.

Mailbags
by Anny Gaul

Dear Q,
How come you always hang out with U and never with me?
-O

Dear O,
You vowels are so damn jealous. You think it’s all about U. Did you ever stop and think about my needs?
-Q

Dear Yale Record,
If you get a quote that’s “on the record,” do you get confused? Because it’s not really on THE Record. I mean at least not yet. Do you have to resort to the indefinite article “a,” as in “on a record?” I was just wondering.
-A Grammatically Conscious Reader

Dear Fred,
Please understand that it’s for your well-being just as much as mine – either of us could have a disease and not even know it.  It doesn’t make you any less of a man.  Just wear the shower shoes.
-Your Shower Floor

Dear John,
You never listen to me anymore. You haven’t gone schizo on me, have you?
-Your Inner Monologue

Dear Inner Monologue,
No, I’m fine.
-John’s Other Inner Monologue

Dear John’s Inner Monologues,
Think of me not as an inner monologue for John, but an inner monologue for an inner monologue.
-John’s Postmodern Inner Monologue

Haikus
by Anny Gaul

Those bright college years
Sunrise serenades from Yale’s
Proletariat

For my freshman year
I shall double major in
Sleep and alcohol

Those Yale Campus Maps,
Riddled with odd acronyms
Like alphabet soup

I don’t understand
We are the youngest, and yet
Our “Campus” is “Old”

 Trying not to look
Dumb pushing on the “pull” gate
And then, vice versa

I swear if I hear
One more stupid bell ringing
While I’m trying to sleep I’m going to miscount the syllables of my haiku dammit!

Yale Bookstore Calendar
by Kati Stevens

Coming in November to the Yale Bookstore! 

11/12 – 4:30 (A.M.)
Jonathan Glass, Stephen Glass’s brother, reads from his book, Wishing I Could Lie Like My Brother. Jonathan will forge his brother’s signature for any students who show up and sit through the whole talk.

11/18 – noon
Ever wanted to learn how to make paper mache out of paper mache?  Red Undant’s new illustrated 65-page book, Paper Mache Squared, has transformed the way people obsess about paper mache. A must-have for people with lots of free time on their hands, such as CIA agents and Rosie O’Donnell.

11/23 – after naptime
My mother sent me this book of love poems, Learning to Please Yourself, for my 28^th birthday. Suzie Hert penned this erotic verse when she was only nine years old. Hert herself will recite her most memorable poem, “Sandbox of Sin,” even though she has a lisp, and my personal favorite, “Daddy Pawned My Barbie to Pay the Prostitute.”

 11/27 – Thanksgiving!
It is possible that no man has ever given as much attention to detail to a book of such poignancy and ethereal beauty as Daniel Morbund, the writer and photographer of this Thanksgiving pick, The Last Supper: Turkeys before the Slaughter.  Morbund’s exquisite techniques lends an extraordinary wit to the high art of turkey decapitation and mutilation. The quantity of red blood splashed on every page gives Morbund’s Thanksgiving as a Communism plot theory a new level of genteel irony. Morbund will teach his audience how to make his Turkey Intestine Souffle, sure to be the hit of your next Thanksgiving dinner. 

11/30 – holiday shopping
Thanksgiving is over, Morbund’s soufflé has almost passed through your bowels, and the only thing you can think is: less than four months until Saint Patrick’s Day! Don’t worry, the gift every parent will be buying their child this St. Paddy’s Day is Lumpo, the Largest Leprechaun. Destined to be a children’s classic, Lumpo is the story of an oversized, half-Latino leprechaun who learns to love his unique background and brings his two families together with a celebration of corned beef burritos and jalapeno and cabbage soup. The author, Manuel O’Keefe, will sign books and pass out free margarita-flavored potato skins to the first ten attendees over 21.