joining the international
jewish conspiracy
While surfing the internet, I came across the website, jewwatch.com, thinking it
was “Baywatch” for Jews. Instead, it turned out to be a very informative site on
the apparently pervasive but little-publicized organization known as the
Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy. For instance, did you know that Secretary of
Homeland Security Michael Chertoff is both the intellectual and biological
descendant of Vladimir Lenin? And that he not only purposely botched the federal
response to Hurricane Katrina but also actually summoned using a ritual
involving the blood of Christian babies and the velvet mouth of a technical
virgin? I, too, had no idea about any of this before seeing the site. I never
realized what sort of opportunities other members of the tribe had in store for
me. I became very excited. I had not been tapped for a secret society, but the
joke was on them, because I, without realizing it, was already a member of the
powerful secret society in the world: the Jews. After learning the truth, I set
out to join the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy. This is my story.
The Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy, I learned, consisted of three strands, all of
which reinforce each other: political, intellectual and economical. The Jews
control how the non-Jews, known by the codeword “goyim,” act, think and survive.
My first attempt to join this conspiracy was through the
political wing. Although Michael Chertoff was too busy, I’m sure, pretending to
help the victims of Hurricane Katrina, there was a very well connected member of
the tribe much closer and more accessible. I am referring, of course, to
President Levin. He must be high up the conspiracy, given the fact that he as
chosen a member of the Commission on the
Intelligence Capabilities of the United States Regarding Weapons of Mass
Destruction, despite his “official” total lack of relevant experience.
Obviously, the Jews felt it necessary to instruct the CIA in advanced methods of
conspiracy.
Therefore, I decided to
sent President Levin an e-mail expressing my willingness to join the WJC.
Dear President
Levin,
I am a senior at Yale and a member of the tribe. So far, I
have not yet been inducted into the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy. I am
intelligent, hard-working, and very eager to be involved in this organization.
Because you are clearly in the upper echelons, I would greatly appreciate it if
you could put in a good word for to me to a recruiter. Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Aaron Margolis
A few days later, I received the following response.
Dear Aaron,
Unfortunately, I do not know what organization you are
referring to as the “Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy.” However, I would like to help
you. Undergraduate Health Services provides many counseling services at no cost.
I have arranged to have one of their counselors give you a call.
Sincerely,
Richard Levin
At first I was shocked at his denials, but then I realized
I had been too obvious. Of course he had to tell me that there is no Worldwide
Jewish Conspiracy, in case someone intercepted his e-mail. Or maybe he suspected
that I was secretly working with the goyim. I decided instead, to try a
different technique.
The practice of using ideas to control people is actually a
relatively recent discovery of the Jews, beginning in the middle of the
nineteenth century. They were very successful at it, controlling the masses
using, among other ideas, communism, liberalism, civil rights, atheism,
feminism, homosexuality, and, of course, Nazism. While it was tempting to try to
enter the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy with a careful study of history’s most
influential Jew, Karl Marx, trying to find a Marxist at a college campus would
be like trying to find a needle in a haystack made of needles. Instead, I
realized that within the Yale community there is one of the leading expert on
the so-called, “World’s Greatest Jew,” Baruch Spinoza, a seventeenth century
Dutch philosopher and most likely leader of the WJC. Steven Smith, besides being
“Master” (It was so obvious! How could I miss it for so many years?) of Branford
College, is also author of Spinoza, Liberalism and the Question of Jewish
Identity. While Smith is not a particularly Jewish name, he looks halfway
between Woody Allen and Issur Danielovitch, known to the world as Kirk Douglas.
Clearly, he’s a Yid.
I went over to over to his office one day. After knocking
on his door, he welcomed me in.
“I’m sorry. I don’t recognize you. You’re not in Branford,
are you?”
“No, I’m actually in Berkeley. I’m here because I’m very
interested in Baruch Spinoza, and I know you’re an expert on him.”
“Well, I guess I have a few minutes to spare.”
“How influential was Baruch Spinoza? I’ve heard him called
the ‘greatest Jew.’”
“Actually, he was not very influential during his lifetime.
In fact, he was kicked out of the Jewish community.”
“A power struggle?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say a power struggle. It was a struggle
of ideas.”
“That’s too bad.”
“But he became very influential in the nineteenth and
twentieth centuries.”
“So ultimately he was vindicated?”
“Yes.”
“As a follower of Spinoza, would you say that you’re
influential in the Jewish community?”
“I’m interested in him, but I wouldn’t say that I’m a
follower of his. And I doubt very much how influential I am in the Jewish
communities.
“But in terms of Jewish philosophical thought? They seem
to have a copies of your book at the library.”
“Well, I suppose I have given a speech or two to various
Jewish groups.”
“I would also like to be influential in the Jewish
community.”
“How so?”
“I want power over the goyim.” I used the word goyim, so
he’d know that I was a member of the tribe.
“What do you mean?”
“You just admitted you’re influential. I want to manipulate
the goyim. I want in.”
“I just remembered something I have to do. Alicia, please
escort this young man out. It was a pleasure to meet you.”
Rats! Failed again! |
