Well, gosh, this isn’t so bad. What’s everyone talking about, anyway? Sure, those people outside are a little… different. So many glittery white girls in high heels and guys with unusual tattoos—it looks just like that nightmare I had about prom. And waiting in line wasn’t exactly a dream—it smelled like cigarettes and I don’t even know what. But, hey, I’m actually here. I made it. I’m here at Toad’s!

Yesterday, six of my closest friends and I decided tonight was going to be the night. Saturday Night Toad’s. We all got super “smashed” in Bingham; well, I actually only had a few sips of Keystone, but maybe I’m “buzzed,” you know? I’m theoretically approaching “hammered” or “shwasted” or something.

We’re all dressed up—I’m wearing a polo shirt (tucked in of course) and my most sensible shoes. We stroll into Toad’s like nobody’s business. I’m secretly petrified, but I’m a good actor—the picture of cool. Wow, that stage is pretty big, isn’t it? I hear some rap music on—it sounds like P. Diddly or someone. How exciting!

Hmm, I expected to see a bit more frog paraphernalia, but I guess that’s just one of life’s little mysteries. Gee, so many grimy people! So what exactly do we do here…? Look at that, some of those glittery women in heels. You’re from where? Oh, well, that’s…Quinnipiac sure is a fun word to say! My, that’s a short skirt, but, yes, it does look good on you. What a lovely lower back tattoo—and, wow, it goes lower. Oh, I’m so sorry, let me introduce myself. Hmmm, not one for shaking hands, I see, alright. Oh, hello…so we’re going to dance? I don’t know you too well, but…oh, well yes, if you insist. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that particular shade of eyeshadow, but it looks…oh my! Well, yes, now we really are dancing aren’t we? That’s a nice rhythm. Mmhm…you’re good with those hips, yes indeed.

I’ll admit that my only experience dancing was a while back. Not to brag, but I was the king of slow-dancing back in middle school. Oh, you don’t know it? It’s easy, I just put my hands on your hips—well, maybe a little above your hips—and you drape yours around my…no, no, not down there. Errr, alright, but I…yes, that feels…interesting. Hmm I’ve never danced like this before. Gee!

Oh dear, I’m afraid I have to go to the bathroom. Is there a…oh, it’s outside? But all I see is a bus…

—S. Stern