Other Things You Should Not Do While Going Directly to Jail

Nothing’s worse than picking up an exciting orange chance card only to find yourself heading to the doghouse. You might be thinking: “Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do, CARD? What about rolling doubles was illegal, anyway? Was moving twelve spaces speeding? What if it had been two? As a convicted criminal, will people still not question my vicious landlord tendencies after I roll doubles? Also, I’m a freaking terrier; how the hell can you arrest me, anyway?” What you don’t know is that Monopoly is misleading you with their short list of guidelines; there are a lot of other things you should avoid while going directly to jail, besides just passing go and collecting $200.

Do not:

Dress up in a bonnet and pigtails and claim to be your niece when the police come to arrest you.
Try to unlock your handcuffs using a credit card and a kiddy magic set you bought on Amazon.
Chain yourself to a shrubbery and call yourself a political protester.
Accept the judge’s offer to move to Camp Green Lake and look for buried treasure.
Try to beat the living shit out of the police interrogators with the chair they tied you to. You have the moves of a Scarlett Johansson, but it’s “Girl with a Pearl Earring” Johansson, not “Avengers” Johansson.

And while in jail, make sure not to:

Make out with a guard. Hoes and Handcuffs IV wasn’t actually a documentary.
Try to escape using only overconfidence and a nail file.
Write a memoir discussing your imminent dissolution of the German Parliament and invasion of the Soviet Union to provide elbow room for your people. Because honestly, Alaska isn’t running out of land anytime soon.
Buy Park Place using a chain of shady financial associates within the prison system. You’ll wind up with Baltic Avenue and a lot of regrets.

So there. That should keep you alive while you’re going to – and in – the big house. Oh, and one more thing: I realize you might think there’s no value in “just visiting” jail, but you should seize the opportunity to plant explosives that you can use to break yourself out later. Also, that’s the moment to try making out with a guard.

—I. Strauss

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