Why the bifocals, you ask? They let me try more… positions.

People tell me I remind them of a corset—touch the right button and everything comes off.

Wanna take a pull on my cigar?

My ball gown is so billowy, it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all.

My new Bentley vibrates when you turn it on.

My pinkie always rises when I hold your glass.

I’ve got a monocle somewhere else, too.

There’s always a seat for you at my grand piano.

Were you born into a peerage? Because you can enter my House of Lords anytime. Or at least your penis can.

—I. Strauss