Proceedings of the 6845th Meeting of the U.N. Security Council, March 2012

The Council President: The Security Council will now begin its consideration of Resolution B/2012/478, a resolution condemning the use of violence against civilians in Syria and calling for an immediate ceasefire. I shall now open the floor to those members of the Council who wish to make statements regarding the resolution.

Jones (United States of America): Mr. President, the United States supports this resolution. The conflict over Syria has gone on far too long, with several pointless casualties. How much longer will we allow this senseless fighting to continue? How many more infantry must be lost? We vote in favor of B/2012/478, and we encourage the French delegation to quit while it’s ahead and stop attacking already.

President: That’s one vote in favor. … Wait, what? The French delegation? Attacking whom?

Jones: Syria, Mr. President. Well, more accurately, the entire Middle East. France has been unsuccessfully attacking it from Egypt for like, twenty minutes now, and they’re almost out of troops. It’s embarrassing, frankly, and it’s holding everyone else up.

President: France, attacking Syria? When did this happen? Madame Galtier, explain yourself!

Galtier (France): Hold on, Mr. President. One more roll. If Russia retains control of all of Asia, they’ll get a 7-troop bonus on their next turn, and then there will be no stopping them!

Vesselov (Russia): Give up, Madame! Even if you do succeed, you’ll have barely any troops left to move in, and we’ll counterattack from Afghanistan and India!

President: Are you… are you playing Risk?!

Jones: Sorry, did you want to play?

President: I am appalled. Delegates, do you fully appreciate what rides on this vote? We are talking about innocent lives here! Women! Children! Families!

Chen (People’s Republic of China): If I can’t combine ten of them to make an artillery, I’m much more concerned with holding down Indonesia.

Vesselov: Dammit, Chen, nobody likes the guy who stays in Australia the whole game!

President: People, may I remind you that we are charged with facilitating social progress and protecting human rights? Now people are dying, and you guys are playing a board game.

Galtier: This isn’t a board game, Mr. President. This is war.

President: Madame, this is the United Nations. Forgetting the other obvious problems with this situation, you do understand the horrible way in which that statement could be misinterpreted, right?

Hughes (United Kingdom): Galtier, for fuck’s sake, would you pay attention? I’m attacking Brazil from Argentina.

President: For shame! Does anyone have anything relevant they would like to contribute to—

Jones: HA! Three cards, all calvary! That’s thirty extra pieces for me!

President: This behavior is unfitting of the stature of the Council! I am cancelling the vote on the current resolution and reporting you all for inappropriate conduct. I move to end the current Council meeting and reconvene at such a time as new delegates can be appointed for the five permanent council member states.

Chen: I move to put to vote a resolution that the Council President can kiss my ass.

Galtier: Four, five….The resolution is unanimously adopted!

President: That’s it. Gimme the goddamn dice.

—E. Sandford

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