The Clean Pools Act (1902): Factories must abstain from dumping their waste in public swimming pools.
The Child Wellness Act (1905): Children under the age of six are entitled to a twenty-minute nap and a lollipop for every four hours of work.
The Worker Safety Act (1908): If a factory owner plans to lock his employees in a workroom more than five stories up, he must first plant a soft bush beneath one of the windows in case of fire.
The Pure Food Act (1910): If the consumer can taste the feces, that’s too much feces.
The Social Fairness Act (1910): Any wealthy businessman choosing to hunt members of the underclass for sport must provide a reasonable head start.
The Automobile Safety Act (1912): Manufacturers are required to at least pretend their cars are safe, for our peace of mind.
The Food Inspection Act (1913): Jesus, it’s just not okay to pee in the meat vat.
—B. Garfinkel
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