Quiz: Which UN Secretary-General Are You?

1. You’re hanging out with one of your allies when you receive a text message inviting you to go to the mall with that cute new nation that you’ve really wanted to enter into a trade relationship with. What do you do?
a. Foster mutual international respect by bringing your friend with you to see your crush.
b. Further your agenda by going to the mall—your friend will understand.
c. Prove your support for longtime allies by staying with your friend.
d. Balance contrary aims by inviting the new nation to come to you.

2. You’re getting pizza with a smaller nation when a bigger, more popular nation, with large natural gas reserves (if you know what I mean) comes and joins you. The bigger nation is cool to you, but turns a cold shoulder to your friend. What do you do?
a. Strengthen the bond between the nations by convincing them to share breadsticks.
b. Encourage economic development by getting the smaller nation to pay for all of your pizza.
c. Threaten to diminish the international standing of the bigger nation by telling everyone that its “foreign emissary” didn’t visit this month.
d. Change the topic by making fun of the dress Norway wore to Junior Prom.

3. When you’re trying to get the attention of a dashing older nation with a strong economy and a fancy car, what do you do?
a. Demonstrate your interest by inviting him to the sexiest show in town: the upcoming climate change conference.
b. Play hard-to-get by threatening to revoke his status as a sovereign nation.
c. Show him you’re intelligent by looking up his national history on Wikipedia and then casually dropping some deets about the millworkers’ uprising of 1731.
d. Send in inspectors to investigate his nuclear weapons program, and tell them to mention you offhandedly and note his reaction.

Results:
Mostly A’s: Your commitment to diplomacy and statesmanship makes you most like Dag Hammarskjöld. You are respected and valued as a brilliant mind who by all accounts never got laid.
Mostly B’s: You focus on your goals regardless of how you may be perceived, making you most like the UN Secretary-General so steeped in controversy they named him twice: Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Be careful not to offend too many; there’s a reason good ol’ Boutros Boutros was the only Secretary-General to serve just a single term.
Mostly C’s: Your allegiance to the disenfranchised makes you most like Kofi Annan. Although your commitment to human rights is admirable, it may make you some enemies. Nobody will deny, however, that you look wonderful in a bikini.
Mostly D’s: Your ability to offend nobody while maintaining your interests make you most like the current Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon. Known for your easy smile, you’re a delight to have at any party—and in any bedroom.
Tie: Your vague character makes you most like Kurt Waldheim. You may be over-shadowed by bigger personalities, like Henry Kissinger, or one of those girls on the swim team. Also, you were probably a Nazi.

—M. Nobel

If you liked this piece, check out the rest of the International Issue here!