Self Esteem? Shmelf Shesteem!

“Healthy children have high self esteem.” Now, doesn’t that sound nice? I mean, it’s “healthy.” Yeah, I don’t buy that any more than the fancy olive-scented cheese they sell at Walmart. I mean it sounds like fluffy clouds and pretty rainbows and all of that goddamn unicorn talk, but I’m gonna call bullshit on this one.

Well, let’s take a classic example of an opportunity you might take to boost your kid’s self-esteem: the artistic performance. Let’s say your kid wants to play piano. You say “sure,” get him lessons, watch him grow, swallow your vomit, tell him how great he sounds, and so on. And why? Yeah, yeah, you don’t need to tell me, you care about him and love him and all of that sappy shit….But just between you and me, you know, not everyone deserves a trophy. It’s not a great thing that he sucks, but the truth is always is gonna be out there. How many children with only seven and a half fingers can really play in the first place? And, what with his stage 3 leukemia, how long does he really have, anyway? I mean, he’s just weak, and he’s either going to hear it from you or from some critic at Carnegie Hall or whatever.

I know you might be saying, “Well, what about sporting events.” Let’s say your daughter wants to play baseball, and you say “OK,” sign her up for little league, go to the games, and so on, playing the good, supportive parent, cheering yourself hoarse whenever the team avoids the mercy rule…Cut the crap, because you and me both know that the only thing heating up is that little piece of bench under her ass. She isn’t gonna grow a new leg, and her asthma isn’t just gonna go away on its own. (Who wants to pay for a doctor’s visit, anyway? That inhaler is just another expensive toy she doesn’t need.) So it’s just the smart decision to let her know how inferior she is and let her move on with a low but accurate appraisal of her own self-worth. I know, I know, even blind children like her should be able to play. But come on. She’s just going to go through life feeling good about herself when we both know she really shouldn’t, because she’s sub-par anyway.

Look, I know “self-esteem” feels like it’s a good thing, but then again, so does buying magic pills from Jafar down on the corner. I mean, kids don’t really need self-esteem any more than I need the pills—any more. Just the good, old-fashioned truth, with a healthy dose of an inferiority complex, a few years of daily psychiatric consultation, trouble forming lasting relationships, and maybe even an inability to maintain an erection. Now that’s the kid I want to raise!

-M. Goldberg