The Last Supper

Then came to Jesus an artist, who was starving. And the artist spoke to him, saying, “My name is Brian, and I will be thy server this evening.” And Brian recited the specials unto him, and inquired as to whether he had any questions concerning the menu. And Jesus did question him, saying, “What, exactly, is polenta?” And Brian explained that polenta is a cornmeal dish popular in Italy, with about the same consistency as mashed potatoes.

And then the disciple Matthew spoke, saying, “What about the snapper? Is that done with the head still on it, or what? Because I don’t eat anything with eyes.” And Jesus admonished him, saying, “Blessed is the man who is not picky, but who eats of the fish with the head, and also of the whole suckling pig.” Yet Brian was unvexed, and said, “Yea, don’t worry about it. We can have them take the head off in the kitchen.” And the Son of Man answered and said, “O Brian, great is thy compassion, and strong is thy faith.”

And Brian inquired unto the table, asking whether they had made up their minds. And Peter spoke, saying that they could use another few minutes, and Brian did depart. Then James spoke, asking, “Would anyone want to split two appetizers and a main?” And Mark, who was trying to lose a few pounds, agreed.

And it so happened that they were approached by one called Manuel, who began to refill their basket of bread. And Luke, who was trying Atkins again even though it hadn’t worked the first time, was harsh with Manuel, refusing the leavened offering. And Jesus was peeved, and did reproach Luke, saying, “Blessed are the poor and most likely undocumented, for they shall attain guest-worker status in Heaven.” And Luke felt the guilt of liberals, and was ashamed.

And around the time they had decided on what they were going to order, Jesus spoke unto them, saying, “Verily, I say unto you, one of you that eateth with me tonight shall betray me.” And all began to be sorrowful, except for Judas, who said, “Is anybody having the tuna tartare as a starter? Because I was thinking of getting that.”

Then Brian returned from the kitchen, and went to the Lord and said, “Okay, is everybody ready?” And Brian flipped open his little flippy pad, and prepared his pen for the writing of the order. And Jesus took of his cup, and drank of it, and said, “This is my blood of the New Testament, which is shed for many, and it’s delicious. Do you think we could get another bottle?” And Brian said, “Of course.” And Jesus said unto him, “Terrific. I’ll have the seafood tacos to start, and would you recommend the salmon or the free-range chicken as a main?” And Brian recommended the salmon, which just so happened to be the more expensive of the two. And the Son of Man did order the salmon, and also a side of sautéed mushrooms.

And the appetizers arrived, and then the entrées. And all partook of the food which they had ordered, chewing it with their mouths and swallowing it with their throats. And after dinner several ordered desserts, and others decaf cappuccino. And when Manuel had cleared all of the plates, Judas arose, saying, “I must use the little boys’ room.” And when the time came for the paying of the check, it was discovered that Judas was no longer present. And many disciples commented on how shitty it was that Judas would skip out on the bill. Yet Jesus stopped them. “I wouldn’t worry about it,” he said, “for I am pretty sure that’ll be the least of your problems with that guy.” And all took this to heart, even though the Son of Man still had a bit of crème brulée in his beard.

—D. Litt, ’08