Tips for Walking Alone in New Haven at Night

This piece was originally featured in the Urban Issue. Read it now!

1) Wear a Rolex, yacht shoes and a chip on your shoulder: no one will mug you if you carry a bit of the Yale bubble with you everywhere you go.

2) If you spot someone walking alone in the same direction, they’re probably nervous and would welcome the companionship of a stranger who suddenly appears from behind them.

3) Always carry a Dean’s excuse.

4) Every 50 yards or so, suddenly turn around and shout “GOTCHA!” at the top of your lungs.

5) A Campus Customs BPA-free Yale-brand water bottle, when filled to the brim, makes a wonderful bludgeon.

6) It works even better when it’s open – and filled with pepper spray.

7) Go undercover: all you need is a false beard, a parka, and a shopping cart (steal one from an actual hobo, as Stop-N-Shop locks theirs down).

8.) Pretend to hold a loud, witty conversation with the friends you wish you had.

9) The sketchier the neighborhood, the likelier it becomes that passing motorists will eagerly assist a nice, young hitchhiker who clearly lost his way; work those thumbs!

10) Never forget the Yale Blue Phone system: reliably delivering a uniformed officer five minutes after any criminal worth his salt has disappeared into Greater New Haven with your wallet, phone and dignity.

11) Don’t.

12) The ultimate response to any mugger: “I’m on a YSECS mission of the utmost importance, and you have no idea who you are dealing with.”

13) Stay within the same nine-square-block radius and you’ll never have to worry about safety, security, or the risk of interacting with people who’ve lived in New Haven for more than four years!

– A. Gertler