Toad’s – The Wildlife Documentary

[Scene opens with a slow pan across the front of Toad’s Place on a Friday night]

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: For the myriad creatures of the African savanna, the watering hole is the major hub for social interaction; for the seabound animals, the corpse of a dead whale. But for one of the most dangerous and elusive beasts to walk the Earth – commonly known as the Yalie – the center of social life is right here: Toad’s Place.

[Cut to title screen. Intro song (“Livin’ on a Prayer”). Cut back to front of Toad’s]

DA: We can learn much simply by observing the exterior. The fact that these specimens are waiting in line indicates that the interior of this building contains something valuable. Note well the glassy stares, stumbling steps, and abominable fashion choices of those present – most members of this species ritualistically inebriate themselves before coming to this place, a much-studied phenomenon known as “SHOTS!” which we will cover later.

[A scuffle breaks out in the line.]

DA: Space is scarce, and tensions are running high in the herd. Although most dominance displays occur within Toad’s, it is not uncommon to see beta males like these two engaging in contests of strength here to display their worth. Such interactions are often punctuated by loud utterances such as “Bro,” “Dude,” and “Let’s fucking tango, bitch.” The meanings are uncertain, but leading experts in the field have correlated increased forcefulness and frequency of these phrases with drastically decreased IQ.

DA: Speaking of beta males, here we see a younger specimen being turned away from the entrance. Having waited through the line for his chance, the beta was unable to confirm that he was above the optimal mating age. Ah! In his rage, he’s thrown a rock through the window of Yorkside Pizza. This will only further demonstrate his unfitness to procreate, and the herd will likely cast him into exile if they can catch him.

[Interior of Toad’s. Avicii’s “Levels” is playing at an earsplitting volume]

DA: Now, on to the main event. The dance floor is a veritable evolutionary pressure cooker; fertile mates with a wide variety of genotypes constantly bumping into each other, optimizing procreation potential. We can model it as a sea of densely packed gas molecules at high temperature, adding only the slight modification that particles are here replaced by countless genitalia. Many Yalies have already found partners – these two in the corner are, in fact, quite close to simply mating here against the wall, a surprisingly common sight in this locale.

DA: Beyond the filters at the gate, there are mechanisms in place here to maximize the evolutionary fitness of offspring produced. Bathrooms below the dance floor feature long mirrors, intended to encourage douchier males and females alike to waste time taking “selfies,” reducing their possibility of mating. The pounding bass scares away the weak of heart, but more importantly, the sober – willingness to “get blackout” is an important consideration in any objective analysis of a specific Yalie’s fitness. Creatures known as “bouncers” remove those who become too belligerent, ensuring that all continues to flow smoothly.