U.S. Sends Designer Sunglasses to Ethiopia

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate officials announced Monday that the United States will send a collection of over 4 billion pairs of designer sunglasses to Ethiopia.

The project was conceived in 2005, when Congress decided to create a committee to create a commission to explore potential ways to provide aid to developing nations. This commission in turn created a task force, which decided to conduct various feasibility studies before taking action.

After administering several lengthy and expensive studies, the government’s top scientists concluded that Africa is “very hot.”

“They get a lot of sun there,” said Dr. J. T. Spiffenhoof, Head of the Department of Meteorology and graduate of FiveMinuteDegrees.com. “It’s, like, summer year-round, so one of the biggest problems that Ethiopians face is the fact that it’s really, really bright. I mean, they’re in this warm, sunny country and then it’s like, ‘Whoa! I can’t see.’ Providing them with these sunglasses  will help give their eyes a rest, both by shielding them from the sun and making everyone’s outfits down there a little less horrible.”

The scientists used Google to discover that sunglasses help block harmful sunlight. Furthermore, statistics show that people who wear Gucci sunglasses tend to make about $50,000 more per year than the average American.

Armed with this information, the United States government has set aside 85% of its Social Security funds to buy Gucci sunglasses for Ethiopians. The money will go toward the purchase, packaging, and delivery of the sunglasses. Those in charge of distributing the sunglasses have been warned to prepare for virgin offerings made by grateful natives and parades staged in their honor.

Gucci media coordinator Georgia Reynolds said her company is proud to serve the international community.

“Gucci has always been about helping the less fortunate,” Reynolds said via the hologram being transmitted from her private yacht. “We’re a caring company made up of individuals who care about people who need to be cared for.”

Polls show that public support is strong for this new policy.

“You know, just when I think the government doesn’t even understand the world’s problems, it goes and does something like this,” commented Mary Tracey, 42, minivan-driving PTA coordinator and mother of four from Batesville, WI. “Did you know that when I heard about this project I realized I had pairs of designer sunglasses that I never even wear? But those poor Ethelopians don’t have any. I can’t even imagine.”

Not everyone is in favor of the aid package, however. Coach CEO Gary Buluccicio is one such dissenter.

“Gucci is clearly the wrong company for the job,” Buluccicio said. “Their sunglasses are slightly inverted and pinch the nose. The last thing Ethiopians need is uncomfortable eyewear.”

Efforts to contact Ethiopians for comment have so far been unsuccessful, resulting in a new government effort to send over aid packages containing 500,000 smartphone chargers.

—I. Strauss

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