Congratulations! You’ve been drafted!

For buying the millionth box of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, we’re mailing you an actual tiger!

You’ve won my daughter’s hand in marriage!

For your good fortune in picking up the millionth Record magazine ever printed, we’ll write a full-page feature shamelessly mocking your existence!

You’ve won the envy of hordes of other customers who had less significant timing in their purchases!

You get to be the star of the upcoming SyFy original movie, Rise of the Wombats!

For being our one millionth site visitor, you get one million viruses! Guess you better buy a better computer! Congrats on the upgrade!

You’re the newest member of the “Bedbug of the Week” Club!

You get the honor of being the first person to have smallpox in more than 30 years!