Video Game Character Group Therapy Session

Dr. Mario: Hello, everyone. If this is your first time, my name is Dr. Mario, and I’ll be leading our group therapy session today. I would like to welcome you all and remind you that you should feel free to speak openly here. Mr. Kong, would you like to start?

Donkey Kong: Donkey upset because… Donkey nice guy…and nobody see that…everybody just see Donkey as big, mean ape. Donkey no King Kong. Donkey nice and friendly. But nobody believe Donkey, because of brutish exterior!

Dr. Mario: Well, Mr. Kong, sharing your concerns is the first step. Does anyone have any advice they would like to give to Mr. Kong?

Sonic the Hedgehog: I don’t know, bro. Maybe you should try being more open?

DK: Easy for you to say. You cute rodent. Me big banana monster!

Dr. Mario: Good thought, Sonic. Any other ideas?

Bowser: I used to have the same problem, Donk. Then I learned to embrace the bad boy image. The ladies love a bad boy. Don’t they, Doc?

Dr. Mario: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Bowser: Oh, really. Why do you think your little Peachy-Poo and I spend so much time together?

Dr. Mario: Because you’re a serial kidnapper you SICK, TWISTED MOTHERFU… My apologies. Deep breaths. I’m in control of this group. Sigh… Never mind. Does anyone besides Bowser have a suggestion for Mr. Kong?

Ganondorf: I actually see where Bowser’s coming from. Something about just taking what you want can be very fulfilling.

Link: You better not be talking about Zelda, you son of a bitch. Because if you are, I swear, I’ll go get my sword and stick it up your—

Dr. Mario: Woah, woah, woah. Let’s cool it there, Link. There won’t be any anger here today. For today, all past actions are forgiven.

Bowser: In that case, I would like to apologize for sleeping with your wife, Doc.

Dr. Mario: You slept with my wife? What the hell!? You bastard!

Bowser: It’s not my fault; I’m very horny. Muahahahaha.

DK: Hooohooohaaahaaahaaa. Donkey get it. Bowser have horns on head so is literally horny. And also Bowser fuck Doctor’s wife. Hoooahhaheee.

Dr. Mario: That’s enough, Mr. Kong! Deep breaths. Now, does anyone else have an issue they would like to discuss with the group?

Frogger: If…if nobody minds, I wouldn’t mind sharing something… Ever since I was paralyzed in that horrible traffic accident, I can’t escape the feeling that I have no purpose. My whole life was about jumping, and now, with my legs like this…

Luigi: Boooriiiiiiing. Hey Doc, I got a problem.

Dr. Mario: Oh God, not this again…

Luigi: I feel overshadowed by my brother.

Dr. Mario: We’ve been over this, Luigi. We’re both important in our own ways.

Luigi: It’s always “Mario & Luigi,” never “Luigi & Mario.” You never really cared about me. You were always looking out for number one.

[whole group shakes their heads in disappointment]

Dr. Mario: Are you guys kidding? I didn’t do anything!

Sonic: Not cool, bro.

Dr. Mario: Look here, assholes! I have a lot of responsibilities, and, in my free time, I help pathetic losers like you. I have my own issues too, you know. My wife is missing. And guess what else? She fucked a giant turtle! How do you think that makes me feel?

Luigi: There he goes again. Even when he leads group therapy, he manages to make it about himself.

DK: You not only banana in bunch, Doctor.

Bowser: Doc, Peach is pregnant. Sonogram showed a turtle shell. Do you want a paternity test?

Dr. Mario: That’s it! Mama-fucking-mia!

[Dr. Mario storms out]

[long silence]

Frogger: I can’t support my family.

—Z. Schloss

If you liked this piece, check out the rest of the Game Issue here!